Dear michael, thank you for such a great message. I love making new friends. My videos are poor quality. I can’t overemphasize how much my recorder program sucks. It lags so bad I have to get naked quick and in silence. Even though they suck I’m still glad I posted them. I really only have face pics. I have always thought it looked tacky to hold a cell phone in front of a mirror for a full body pic. I think it looks so juvenile and almost vain. At the same time I know that this is a porn site. I did get plenty of attention when I was a paragraph explaining why I couldn’t go nude and fifteen pics of my face. It didn’t seem right not to have any pictures that showed my size and shape. After I hid my location so I couldn’t be easily found from my cousins who chase local pussy I could finally write a real profile.
In the beginning I was on the verge of being a cam girl. It’s no bullshit story that I’m disabled from being bi-polar. I take hardcore medicine usually used for schizophrenics in order to sl**p. I have no shame in saying I have to take an anti-psychotic to sl**p. I am a rare type of bi-polar. What people don’t realize is the disease is less about erratic behavior and more about the inability to have natural sl**p. The whole ordeal revolves around the fact sl**p just doesn’t occur without medication. Both of my parents are bi-polar. My mother’s side of the f****y is by biggest genetic defect. My grandfather was adopted or simply taken in off the street because my non-biological grandparents were extremely wealthy owner’s of an original florida homestead. They owned part of the town before it had a name.
I don’t tell people which city I live in. Knowing my city and my real name allows any person to google me and pay a small fee for my address. I’ll take the risk and just say it is the perfect weather and land to grow strawberries. Both sides of my f****y grew strawberries. I am a little strawberry baby. There are no adoption records for my grandfather or his s****r. He was only adopted because my non-biological grandparents fell in love with a beautiful little girl. I’ve seen pictures. If i am beautiful it is because both those c***dren were breathtakingly beautiful. All I know about my ancestry on my mother’s side of the f****y is what my grandfather could remember. They were fresh off the boat from scotland. As soon as they arrived in america my biological great grandmother was put in a mental asylum. They were beautiful but they were so flawed it is scary.
Without modern medicine I would also be in an institution. No amount of xanax, ambien, four other sl**ping pills, tylenol pm and alcohol will put me to sl**p. For along time it did. I lived a normal life thanks to sl**ping pills. My parents and the woman who raised me were in a state of denial. Yet they let me have xanax or tylenol pm after I went insane from sl**p deprivation in seventh grade. I tried one time to sl**p naturally. I was up to ten tylenol pm per night and my body was shutting down. It takes five days for me to go insane from lack of sl**p. Even with a sl**p aid my body would still shut down from five nights of insomnia. I talked about it with my mother yesterday. I don’t know how on earth no one easily diagnosed me. I missed one day a week from school my whole life. Getting to school on mondays or fridays was impossible. My aunt was in such denial she allowed me to fake being sick to stay home and sl**p. Most of the time she let me sl**p until the late afternoon and took me to a pediatrician for a doctor’s note for illnesses I faked.
My doctor failed me. Someone should’ve helped me. I even had a bi-polar aunt who was in and out of asylums until her suicide. I was allowed to miss that much school because I was in the gifted program making straight A’s. Some years I was such a fluke it baffled the administration. I got letters warning me if i missed so many more days of school I wouldn’t pass despite straight A’s. I still tend to crash on the fifth day. That is why I can’t work a real job. The issue is complicated more because I’m heavily sedated when I wake up from an anti-psychotic. Without a stimulant like adderall or the medicine for narcolepsy there is no point for me to stay alive. I don’t leave the bed when I run out of legal speed. I don’t get prescribed enough. I warn all new friends that when I run out of medicine I disappear. For two weeks of the month I get shit done. I can write this comment because I have medicine. When I run out I can’t write much. I just sl**p.
I love cam sex. I would do it for fun with or without the need for an income. If I don’t get acceptance from a gallery then I will go to chatterbate and earn money for private mental healthcare. I was denied disability. I have to get a lawyer and fight for it. I don’t even qualify for medicaid because I don’t have a c***d. It doesn’t matter. I know what d**gs I will have to take if I do end up on medecaid. I tried them and I was so suicidal I am willing to sell sex not to go through it again. That is the reason my profile is designed to warn men I may become a cam girl. I made the decision to try art first. I am prepared to do it if that’s what it takes to print the artwork I plan to sell as signed and numbered limited editions. This blog will describe my journey to earn the money i need to buy the medicine that keeps me alive. I want to stick around. I love my life. I’m truly happy. This mental illness is a disability as well as an enhancement. I am in the category of people like ernest hemmingway and marilyn monroe. If you research how many influential people are bi-polar you realize it is a gift and not a curse.
I can function for days with no sl**p. I have manic episodes so euphoric they are like being on heroin, ecstasy and cocaine all at once. I’ve talked to other bi-polar people. We share a secret. Mania makes our lives so fantastic we do amazing things normal people could never accomplish. There is no better feeling. I can handle any depression or sedation because I know with modern medicine I will rebound into mania and make up for lost time. I simply have to think outside the box to afford it. Luckily with an abnormal brain I’m designed to think outside the box. I am ignoring skype to write. I do that sometimes. I will accept your request when I am ready to quit writing in order to chat. I need both activities.