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chapter 2 responses

The next chapter. I planned to spend the evening chatting with a dear friend. When he went to sl**p I was going to take on my favorite task. I love to write replies to comments. If you haven’t noticed yet I try damn hard to write a fierce reply to each one I receive. I’m way behind. I may end up replying to some twice. If you check for a reply to a comment you made it may shock you how much time and effort I invested to discuss what you mentioned. After writing so long on facebook I’m stunned by any feedback. It is such an honor that going above and beyond thank you will always be my focus. Before facebook went big brothr on us my blog was a special place for old friends. Now it announces when you like a post and if you left a comment. Before it happened I could discuss events we all remembered. People were free to write their own opinions. We could banter back and forth about issues. When other people couldn’t keep their own blog they could write on mine. Women made stunning confessions. We went in depth. It was a forum for us to connect. But I have been writing almost a year with no comments.When I do have time to reply to each one I hope it opens up a door for men to talk about their own experiences. A good blog should make men share bits and pieces of their own lives. I can’t wait to respond to some topics. I don’t remember names and pictures very well. It is a problem. An example is a man who shared his own loss writing a good story he lost due to exhaustion. I can’t wait to tell him all the funny ways I have written manifestos and watched them disappear. I really hope to begin a dialogue with people. More than telling my own story I let men tell theirs and they can count on me to reply. I know in my spontaneous blog declaring war on Doclowe I had to veterans come forward. I can’t wait to write about why I have so much knowledge concerning the VA.That is what some people don’t realize. I go out of my way to share my story because it opens doors. It is important to discuss the VA in great lengths. If you read this chapter you will understand why I know so much. I still honor lost traditions. The first thing I plan to say to each man is ‘thank you for serving our country.’ If you do not take time to say that to good men and women then you are not being the best American you can be. It may take me days but as I address issues like diabetes and the military you will understand why I offered Doclowe a new lease on life. A lot of veterans don’t even know what they have earned. I know what great lengths the VA will go to towards keeping veterans happy, healthy, independent and alive. That is a major part of my story. In many ways I had two fathers. They were both veterans. I was born into a f****y shaped by combat. In many ways nothing else matters.
One man left me the wonderful comment that my story left him with the mixed emotions of being sad and horny. It made my afternoon to read such praise. My story is very sad. At the same time I know nothing is sexier than a strong, brave woman who overcame hardships. It should turn you on. Any woman can be beautiful. Not many women can take a sad story and make it sexy. I am a bit slutty. I know what good men want. No one wants a pampered princess. She rarely has a good story to tell. It takes hard work and devastation to create a woman like me. Do not be sad when I talk about horrible things. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I have been fighting my whole life to prove my strength. I did it once on facebook. It was important to knock a few pampered princesses down a notch. I took them down hard. When you read my story you realize I achieved so much. I did it on my own. I’m happy it wasn’t easy. Rarely does a woman who had a free ride tell a good story.

I warned men not to bitch about length. I can’t tell a story in a few pages. I had one new friend tell me to make it shorter and simple. I try to address so much information that I go long and complex. If you can’t read it I’m not concerned. Good writing isn’t short and sweet. Good writing is long and complex. It is a skill that takes nearly a lifetime of practice. I don’t give a damn if men stop reading due to length. I can’t overemphasize that writing is a selfish indulgence. I do this for myself. If someone reads what I write I consider it a bonus. The act of creation is my addiction.

I could’ve focused on sex. That would be too easy. My life is hard right now. I have to make drastic changes. In one week I switched from my mission to accept help. Now getting help or support is not my concern. It would be nice if it happens. I will unlock the door and make it possible. If no one walks through my door then I will make things happen through sacrifices. You may have caught on that my computer is dying and I am penniless. The reason I’m not online is because my wi-fi won’t work. I called the cable company and he tried to help me over an hour. I have to have a technician come out tomorrow. It is either my computer or the modem. Since everything else on my computer is dying it probably means it can’t go wireless anymore.
I can do something that nearly kills me. I have one material possession of value. It is a small collection of jewelry I inherited when my aunt jonell died. She is the woman that raised me. I know the will was written for me to inherit all her jewelry. She had two evil step daughters she hated. When she died they stole the most important pieces. In order to claim her furniture, artwork and fine china I had to give them more. So my most precious possession is her diamond engagement ring. She wore it religiously. Taking it to a pawn shop is like pissing on her tombstone. In so many ways I would rather be a truckstop whore for a few days. I can’t handle the trauma of being a whore. I would rather die. I can slowly accept pawning that bag of gemstones and gold. I need a new life. The internet is my world. My computer is all I need. I can sell memories to make it happen. Going to a pawnshop to give them my memories in exchange for a used laptop is my plan. However, life changes as soon as I bring it home.

When I wrote chapter one I had hope that when I finished the kindness of strangers would astound me. The adventure to find out what people were thinking was painful. Before I could allow donations towards a new computer with the reward of unlimited cam sex I decided to tell my story. Men are usually morons. I am an honest woman with limited time. You have to understand that men hound me for cam sex nonstop. I rarely do it. If I do it once they keep calling. At first I could handle it. I used them like guinea pigs to learn my technique. In many ways they thought I was free and easy. I started learning how to do it before xhamster on badoo. It was such a shit hole. I love Spanish people but damn I got so many messages written in Spanish it was absurd. It was made for local hook ups. I live in the winter strawberry capital of the world. I think every Mexican in a three hour radius sent me a message in Spanish I couldn’t read. A friend in the Netherlands told me about xhamster.

It was perfect. It was a training ground to learn how to be a cam girl. I had to get comfortable with many men and embrace sexual pressure. I swear for months it was a non-stop marathon. I met men who became more than just sex. They all have stories. I fell in love with many men. They hurt me deeply. They never contact me. It’s no joke they had a****l nicknames and I was a forest of pleasure. It is a pattern for a man to spend nearly 24 to 48 hours infatuated with me. Then they never call again. Some called once every few weeks. Some once a month. Some attacked me with no rational behind it. Some who never had cam sex with me hurt me the most. This is just one story to illustrate the point. The first day on xhamster I met a boy in india. We clicked. He had a best friend. They had a female friend in texas. Then there were two other people who occasionally joined in. We had audio only group calls on skype. It was wonderful to have that circle of friends. I called the boy I met alladin. He was good to me. His best friend pressured me into cam sex. I thought he was a good guy. He worked me like his own little porn Barbie. I had no clue but the girl in texas was his cam sex partner.
I bonded with the girl. I told her everything. She claimed not to be mad at me and cut him off.

Alladin was kind enough to send me a pirated copy of photoshop. I was so grateful. There are no words for how much I cared about him. He was reading my blog on facebook. At some point I called my two male best friends cocksuckers because they won’t take the time to download it. One day he messaged me ‘can you do me a favor?’ I told him I would do anything. I cared so much about him I even told him I would get off xham and never do camsex again. I explained it could be a death sentence. I wanted to earn his love that bad. He hit me with ‘can you delete me from your friend’s list?’ I was speechless. I asked what I did wrong.
In all caps he wrote YOU CALLED ME A COCKSUCKER. Irony is that any man who reads this will understand it was an illogical notion. Why would I call a man who gave me something important a cocksucker? It doesn’t make sense. He didn’t copy and post that piece of writing so I could read it. I am not perfect it may have been flawed. I also know my work. It is not so bad that I could screw up and insinuate he was included in my cocksucker list. It’s been months since the confrontation. I pleaded logic. I hit him with the fact I have over three thousand friends. I’m not scrolling through a list to delete someone. He could block me. He was just being cocky. He had a smart response like ‘have fun being a cam whore.’ I let him know I didn’t expect him to bring me down like other men. Now I realize it’s a common phrase.
I told him he had no right to convince my female friend to block me. Just as a cruel joke he said he wasn’t the reason she blocked me. He could copy and paste her message. It was that I didn’t tell her happy birthday which means I’m a selfish bitch. I checked my calendar. It was day one without a stimulant and I spent 48 hours sl**ping.

I didn’t know I was the motherfucking birthday police. She blocked me before I could see the message I missed her birthday. I had alladin lie and say he was just mad because I refused to say my writing made a mistake. It was bullshit. I apologized if there was an error early in the argument. I’m not perfect. I wrote a damn good forgive me or fuck of speech. The last thing he said to me was ‘I forgive you.’ I haven’t heard from him since.

I have a lot to say about that cunt in texas. She liked me until the moment her man cammed with me. Then there was a mission to hurt me. I knew it was coming. Our last group chat was different. She splurged for premium skype so we could group chat with cam. I am now used to the way she looked at me. I can say she is about as pretty as a steaming mound of fresh cow shit. When a girl like her looks at me they do it with envy. It’s new for me. I have been ugly a long time. Now when a female friend sees me there is a look of sheer malice. The way women behave changes. She could handle me as a voice. The moment she saw me it was too much. In a way I hope the cunt reads this. I want her to know in real life no woman has the balls to call me a ‘selfish bitch.’ I may look sweet and bubbly. I am that girl that will give someone the shirt off her back. The only selfish thing I do is writing. Also be careful when you call me a bitch. I am a bitch. If she confronted me about a birthday I missed because of sl**p in real life I would’ve scared the shit out of her. Calling me a ‘selfish bitch’ makes me swing. I hit people.

I haven’t been the same since that loss. I expected him to forgive and forget. I will be happy when I block him. It will be a healing process to block nearly five hundred men. I have men hound me for camsex. They give up that it will happen and move on. While I was writing chapter one at least a hundred men called or messaged me. I know some of them don’t know I write a blog. I don’t know anything about them. I made my message long and deep. I made it clear that more than money I need good men to read my blog and build up the notion I’m a good woman. I asked for comments that show support to help plead my case. It was insanity. The messages I read were so disrespectful. Two men called me four times and called me a bitch over and over. The new trend is for men to say ‘I’m horny can you help.’ What the fuck is happening to men? They don’t know me yet I’m supposed to cam like I’m a nurse solving a medical issue.

Men who responded tended to say nothing but ‘hi.’ Like I teach elementary school I had to tell them ‘hi’ gives me nothing. They couldn’t read a message. They expected cam sex when I told them my cam is broken. Instead of stopping skype calls they increased. Over and over I explained I couldn’t pick up the phone. I had men ask me what I wanted. I just told them to read a blog and comment. You would’ve thought I asked them for a liver transplant. All I wanted was them to read a page or two about me and say a few words. I’m tired of strangers on my skype list. I allow men a chance to get to know me. They truly can’t read and comprehend instructions. As the day progressed I made it a new doctrine that my writing is linked to my sexuality. My status says ‘the only men that matter read my blog. Leave comments.’ Most men will not read. Most men are so lazy it shocks me. I made it clear the only way I will have cam sex for free is to please good men who read a blog and comment. The comments are necessary to have a list that lets me learn names and faces.

What makes me laugh is they chased me for so long. A five dollar donation would’ve meant camsex I would do happily for a long motherfucking time. It was the gesture of kindness I wanted more than money. It is so much easier to put five bucks in an envelope than some of the shit they pulled. A comment also meant camsex for a long motherfucking time. The irony is anytime I have money all I do is help people. I spent 18,000 helping people. I have worked long and hard. At no point could a person ask me for help and not get it. In high school I worked a full time job. I had at least three hundred bucks on me at all times. Poor k**s with no lunch money knew I would help. I paid for condoms, alcohol, pot, cigarettes, tampons, coffee and gas. I can honestly every man failed me in some way. Some corrected the error after I begged. At the same time I don’t fuck around with the truth.

Asking for donations or comments was a test. I’m busted poor. If a friend was also busted poor I would mail them twenty bucks. Period. No strings attached. My friend could need twenty bucks and I would pawn jewelry to make it happen. I can get an envelope in the mail. If I had a friend in need I would suck cock to get them cash. That’s the kind of woman I am. My best friend knows if she needed anything she could ask me. She could hit me with a need for a hundred bucks. I would take everything I own to a flea market and get it done. It’s kind of a beautiful lesson to learn about myself. Even when I have nothing I can figure out a way to pull cash out of my ass and chip in.

If someone asks me for a comment you have no idea how far I’ll go . It’s just irony that lame men ask me to comment on dick pics. I do it. I put more time and effort into complimenting a dick than some of the comments I received. I have left killer comments on a man’s page. They didn’t ask for it. They were new to xham. I realized they had no comments and I let other women know they were good men. They weren’t just chasing sex. They showed me respect. We had a great night chatting. They found a man worth time and energy. I told women to treat him right. He was special. I warned them if they fucked with him to watch out for me because I would slam them with a comment that announced them to be a trashy skanks. When I asked for comments I expected the amount of effort I put forth into describing a cock pic. I really am better than most people. It’s not an inflated ego that allows me to say it. It’s the goddamn truth.

I know two men like me. One man I just met. He was not asking for cam sex in his message. He was asking about my day. I hit him with the long complex message. He is from Saudia Arabia. He understood what men American men couldn’t comprehend. He said some of the nicest things a man could ever say to me. He hit my biggest assets dead on. He let me know that I am a beautiful, sweet woman who gave him pleasure for free. He told me how rare that was to find. He begged to help me. He made it clear it was not for more camsex. He wanted me to know that I was special. He knew the phrase ‘no strings attached.’ He grasped the fact my computer is dying and our friendship can’t really develop if people don’t help me. He asked for my paypal. That is the joke. With so many student loans and medical debt I can’t get paypal. He begged me to use western union. I have to research where to find it. I sure as fuck will. He gave me his email address. He showed me so much respect. He saw a woman who gave him free pleasure and he wanted to thank her and know her better. He can barely speak English but he read my blog. He wants to make sure I can keep writing. I’m about ready to make him the center of my universe even if he can only send me five bucks. He got the message. It’s about building new friendships. It’s what you do for a friend.

The next man is so good to me. I had so many wonderful comments from people I barely know before I asked the people already in my life for help. He sent me a nice comment on my page. I poured out my dilemmas. I glanced at my page earlier. He did what I do for people. He wrote me a beautiful paragraph. It was about the fact I have a broken heart. It was more than a sentence. It was deep and well written. He took time to write that response. Men who claim to love me need to check out the competition. I hate the bitter truth.

Michael this is for you. You were the first person I asked for a comment to plead my case. I will check again when I post this. You didn’t say a word. You want to be lovers. You failed me the most. We have talked daily. I asked you almost a week ago for a comment. I asked again a few days ago. I would wager my aunt’s diamond ring you didn’t leave one. You want to cam with me more than anyone. You write well. You write for pleasure. There is no excuse for not pleading my case with a fucking essay. It is too late to repair the damage done. It is too late for an essay. I was quite nice to you today until I analyzed the situation. You called me your guardian angel. Think about how you treated her. I hope you realize you hurt me by reading this. Do not be surprised if I treat you rather coldly for a long time. After I read my friend’s beautiful paragraph about my broken heart I realized what some men did for me. Then I compared the message to what men I love wrote. I am worth a paragraph when I love you. I shouldn’t have to beg. Don’t grovel on skype. Just like other men you can leave a comment on my page or blog. When a near stranger can write a lovely paragraph and you don’t say a word you can’t contact me on skype and expect a reply.

Kurt I can’t lie. I know you wrote a nice comment. You want to be with me. You want me to wake up in your arms. I really thought you would go deep. You know me so well. The man in Saudia Arabia said more to me than you did. It was a test to see how you would support me. Strangers evoked more emotion. The man who wrote about my story being sad yet sexy touched my heart. You pretty much said ‘hey babe, a few nice things and I know you’re having trouble with your computer and I hope someone helps.’ I truly put more work into glorifying a picture of a cock. If I can pump out a paragraph about a cock and you can’t produce a paragraph about me then we are not an equal match. It will take time to repair the damage. I need a man who can write me a beautiful paragraph about my broken heart. As a writer that is what arouses me. A man who uses words to express himself is my only need.

My dearest Raymond. You stunned me yesterday. First of all I am so used to communicating with you. I anally **** you with words on a daily basis. You are so damn cute when you respond. You address each topic with a couple of sentences on skype. You already know you can do no wrong. When it comes to every man I’ve let deep into my world you did everything right. I am totally alone right now. Real friends ditched me. xhamster friends ditched me. You stuck around. You stayed with me. You didn’t abandon me. You let me discuss anything. You pointed out something would be wrong if I suddenly responded with just a few words. You would worry about me if it happened. When I disappear to sl**p you don’t abandon me like a flavor of the week. When I’m gone for everyone else I try like all hell to be here for you. In some ways you barely register absences. It’s because I do try to check messages when I’m sedated. I pull it together to write you. When I have a hundred missed messages I answer yours alone. When I reply more to your comments I will explain why as long as you want me I will be here. I can’t believe there is a man like you on xhamster. Silly butt you are so cute. Just as if we were chatting you wrote a sentence and hit enter. Because you care you did it three times.

You will always have a free pass. You never have to comment again. We can discuss what I write in private. In so many ways testing you was important. I know exactly how you communicate. I adore the fact that forcing you to do it means I saw your dick before your face. Giggle. I love what we created. You gave me the time I needed to trust you. No one else could resist pressuring me to have cam sex. We used words. You never gave up on me. When other men were dying for cam sex you were patient. All three men I called out by name has been patient. I haven’t had cam sex with all three of you. Michael refused to write a comment. Kurt didn’t do better than virtual strangers. Raymond was perfect. Please Raymond I promise not to freak you out with a sentence. Don’t freak me out with a full paragraph before you hit enter. If suddenly you wrote a full paragraph I would worry about you. You write a sentence and post it. You did it for me three times. Just like one of my letters you discussed each topic. I knew how all three men write. You did exactly what I needed. You hit the highlights.

Thank you for talking about my brain. That’s all I really need. This is a porn site. If I had a dollar for each message about my tits I could buy three new computers. All I wanted was for those men chasing tits and a pretty face was to think about my brain. It is an abnormal brain. I am almost too intelligent. My mom never told me my IQ. She let me know I was way higher than most k**s. Then she told me I was not freaky smart. I’ve met people that hit genius level. It does make you almost socially retarded. You can be too smart to express yourself. You can be so smart the company of normal people is intolerable. I met those people. I have stories about them. They liked me because I have similar interests. One of them got me through advanced algebra. It’s a funny story. You can be too smart for your own good. I suck at easy things. Trying to get my school locker open was a never ending ambition. Dumb k**s could remember my combination and open it when I couldn’t. I’m so far from perfect. But I’m way too smart to have free cam sex with a dumbass who can’t read a blog and comment.

I accept that I’m not like most women. They make it too easy. I know most real chicks on this site screen for hot men to do cam sex for. They want attention for the wrong reason. Hot dudes try to get me by bragging about their dick all the damn time. Men just want a chick to watch them whack off. So many men that I turn down beg me just to look at their dick. ‘ I have a huge load waiting for you’ is so common. When I was training to be a camwhore I learned how to deal with it and play along. I trained to make men cum hard and fast. I did it with no penetration. I did anything but fuck myself 95% of the time. My technique is different. I can’t stand watching other girls do it. They shoot for biggest slut on the planet. I shoot for nice chick that just likes to get a bit kinky. That’s why the man in Saudia Arabia wants to transfer me money. I was sweet, not trashy and he had a serious orgasm.

It was funny when I sent my letter out to the men who pester me daily for cam sex. They acted like they are too good to pay for sex. They each owed me five bucks for sexual harassment non-stop. The shit I put up with to find out what they were like was absurd.
My best example was a response to my letter. He was the first. I probably saved and erased a thousand dick picks. Totally normal. I pleaded for a donation or a comment. He responded with two pictures. The first one was his asshole. The second one was his asshole spread open enough to see shit. I wish I saved the rant I wrote him. I will never have to erase a picture of assholes and shit again.

My skype list will be erased except for five men. If you read this and you’re on my skype list send me a message or I may erase you on accident. I’m not good with names. All you have to do now is send me a message that says something like ‘I read your blog and your xham name.’ I want to get to know the men who read my blog much better. You are all my priority. I had too many punks messaging me to give you proper attention. I fucked up. Some men may have quit trying and I just don’t know their name. It’s a name issue. When a man has an xham name, a skype name and a real name it takes me time to learn them.

Brown sugar was pissed he got a copy and paste message. That night it was time to make things easy. The message was something like’ I write a blog that is highly erotic yet personal. Men who read it earn cam sex. Leave comments’ I do make mistakes. Brown sugar left a nice comment about my realness. I know damn well the other men that got that message needed to learn about my blog. If they read it and leave a comment it earns camsex. Brown sugar may have been a couple who wanted to cam. If you are the couple I promise you it won’t happen and we can move on. Thanks for being nice for a short time. I have no idea who brown sugar is. I make good decisions. I needed to make things clear for people leaving comments in the wrong place. Men caught on that I don’t answer pm’s. So they left comments on my page. I love them all for doing it. They were smart. But everyone besides brown sugar was missing the blog and my comment section was getting slammed. Time is an issue. I have to use copy and paste messages sometimes. If you had to say the same thing a hundred times you would feel like a retard typing it over and over.

Brown sugar could’ve said ‘I do read your blog and comment.’ They fucked up and had a hissy fit. It is an issue of not knowing names. I was attacked for being disrespectful to everyone. They brought up the fact I first had an issue with my mic. I don’t remember what else they attacked me for. Basically if it was the couple it was about my personal problems. They knew I couldn’t do camsex because of my period, my audio is a non-stop problem. They knew I used to cam live free for pleasure. They pretty much called me unstable and rude. Fuck him or them. I haven’t been able to have cam sex for at least a month. I would love to be free pleasure. How dare you address my list of problems like it means I am not who you thought I was. My medicine makes me bleed. I still have my period. Cam sex is still not an option. My list of excuses was a prime example of my realness. It has been one problem after another. My life has changed. I planned on making xhamster a place for free pleasure. I planned to earn money on chatturbate. Things changed and it’s not my fault.

I don’t know who the fuck you are brown sugar. I didn’t make the rules. To do a live broadcast on xhamster you must be an official model accepting tokens. I can’t be free pleasure if I wanted to. My mic is a huge deal. It is not an excuse or something to mock. I have no fucking audio. My computer couldn’t cam months before audio was an issue until I fixed the ventilation problem. I can’t remember the last time I could cam without my computer malfunctioning. You don’t rage out on a chick for a dying computer. I can no longer have cam sex live free of charge. Nothing can change the fact I am bleeding and it prevents camsex. I refuse to play in a bl**dy goddamn pussy. I can’t do cam sex with no audio. If you were offended by my copy and paste you should have attacked me in private and not on my page. You are a fucking cocksucker in my book. Don’t fuck with my motherfucking reputation. I could’ve fucked with yours but I have more class.

I do think brown sugar was the couple. It was the way they used the word we instead of me. If it was a dude he seems to feel like he is speaking for all of xhamster. What an ego-maniacal move. I almost don’t want to know. I know one thing. I have had two couples fuck with me. The second couple promised they were nothing like the horror show my first couple was. They were exactly the same. I trusted the first couple and asked them to be patient because of a neverending period. I trusted the second couple with even more personal information. I could be wrong and brown sugar could be an impatient dude. Or it could be a couple who promised they would be good to me and support me. Either way brown sugar acted as if my problems made me a liar. I can’t help I have a dying computer. I can’t help that sometimes I have no choice but to copy and paste. I can’t be perfect. I do not need a public attack. I’m doing my best to make men realize I write a blog and the only way I’ll have cam sex is if you read it and comment. I can’t learn names overnight when I’m hit with thousands of them.

If you’re on this site long enough it hits you that 95% of men are chasing a free cam show with a beautiful woman. That is why my pm box is full. Damn near every message is a c2c request. If you don’t make it clear how you feel about the issue then men stalk you trying to get it. Things are going to change for me fast.

Tomorrow I may find out my computer is truly dead. I am no longer seeking help. If I get told I can’t go wireless on this one then I will cry real hard. I may get a bottle of rum and get shitfaced and make my mom drive me to the pawn store. I hardly ever drink. Handing over my aunt’s jewelry has to happen when I’m numb and way past tipsy. To risk losing it forever I have to be hammered. I hate people who abuse pain pills. I wish I had a connection. For the first time in my life I wish I could score heroin. I wish I had someone to shoot me full of it. I can’t give up that diamond ring sober. I won’t be able to walk in that store without sobbing. I’m crying like a little bitch just thinking about it. I knew it would happen. I was just trying to prepare myself for the ordeal.

I’ll be out of medicine in a few days. I will sl**p a week. My pussy will quit bleeding. I need nude photos. Then when I get more medicine I was going to do it. Pawning my jewelry for a computer has been on my mind for a long time. Rather than do it I started the process of allowing men to help me. I don’t catch a break. I am grateful it happened. I learned my lesson. I can depend on the kindness of strangers more than friends. I have always figured out how to turn a nightmare into a fairy tale. I realized my ability to help people who need money or support is surreal compared to normal people. I do not stop turning horror into bliss. I am just like the man in Saudia Arabia. I trust people and help them. At no point will the words that brown sugar said come out of my motherfucking mouth. ‘I wish I could help’ is not in my vocabulary. I get shit done. I do hope it was the couple. They earn money through cam. In fifteen minutes they could earn twenty bucks to help a chick with a dying computer. Saying they couldn’t help was bullshit. They cam for money. Yet they chase a free porn show just like a cheap horny dude.

Maybe it is my modem and I can take the time I need to accept doing my worst nightmare. I know it has to happen. I’m just hoping for time. Yet I want wireless so bad that I’ll do it tomorrow if it has to be done. One thing matters to me. I want to skype chat with Raymond. In some ways I want to delete all names except his. This was a test. Three men passed. Raymond, the man from saudia arabi and the man who wrote a paragraph about my broken heart. A few men are keepers as well. I make it so easy. My writing is linked to my sexuality. The copy and paste message that pissed off brown sugar is my new philosophy. I will always be addicted to making men cum. I am a bit slutty. If you read this then I’m very interested in you. I don’t know your names and faces yet. You had a chance to meet me I want a chance to meet you. I won’t guarantee cam sex except for the three men who passed the test. You have to chat with me first so I can be positive you won’t be difficult to handle. Reading and commenting is not guaranteed sexuality. I have to trust you. Appearances don’t matter to me. What a man says to me matters.

You read part one. This is part two. As you can see my agenda has shifted. I’m no longer telling my story in hopes for donations or support. I am doing this for me. I am a writer and an artist. Getting a new computer is needed for both my passions. I will sacrifice something more valuable to me than my pride to make it possible. I will pawn my most sacred memories. I will pray I quickly earn the money to buy them back. I would do it to help a friend. It is somehow harder to do it for myself. I don’t need a dime from a man. A network of support is what I need. If you read this please ask for my skype ID so we can chat. I can’t post it in public again. I have to send you a pm. It makes me happy to get messages and calls. I make bonds that get sexual. I’m on a porn site. I like to play. I love c2c. The rules have just shifted. The privilege goes to men who read and leave feedback. Some dumb fucker doesn’t have a shot. Most men don’t read. Especially when I write a good long post men don’t try. Nothing is for free. I just ask men to read and write a word or two. It gives me a list of names I need to learn. There is no gimmick. There is no hidden agenda. When I stop bleeding, wake-up and hopefully have nude photos the game begins.

It is all a race to buy back jewelry. I’ll never wear it. I need to own it. I’ll have a computer that cams with audio for the first time in ages. I don’t play games. With or without nude photos I go live and official here and on chatturbate. It will be non-stop. I will collect tokens and go places I never dreamed. As soon as I’ve pawned my jewelry and quit bleeding I’m racing a clock to get it back. You can see me perform live because my blog will tell times and locations. More important than that once I know you when I take a break I will cam for you one on one. Sometimes men would rather talk to me than fuck me. We can have both. I need support. I blend friendship with sexuality. I’ll warn everyone that Raymond comes first. He can’t be there 24/7. No man can replace him. No man can get jealous that I play with other men. Don’t freak out on me if I miss your messages. Because of my sl**p issue I go missing for days. Sometimes I’ll be writing. Sometimes I’ll be doing art. It’s not going to be easy until I get my jewelry back.

Xhamster has taught me one thing. No man can be trusted not to ditch me or attack me. I would love to say I have faith that Raymond won’t bail on me. Just like the boy in India who knew me from day one and earned all of my love Raymond could flee with no explanation. Men move on without the courage to say goodbye. It happens all of the time. That is why I’m starting over. One man made a page comment he missed happy Lynn. I haven’t been in a happy place for almost a month. Doclowe proved I could go to sl**p with a man writing me a love letter and wake-up with a public slam on my page with no explanation. Brown sugar proved I could make one mistake and get slammed with a message that makes me look like a rude lying bitch. I vow on the bible never to trust a couple. I’m not bisexual. Women turn on me faster than men. I don’t want them in my life ever again. It’s a man’s world for me.

I honor which men found me first the most. I write a damn good blog with a deep look into my life. I give every man a chance. I have no choice. Men keep fucking up. They always leave me. This blog is so new. It has been good erotica based on fact. I have fun writing about sex. I can pump it out fast. It’s the blogs that get personal that matter. I say exactly what’s on my mind. When I have wi-fi I tackle the pm box. You better believe I respect men who found me first. Doclowes comment implied I don’t value the people who care about me deeply. Nothing could be more false. You read chapter one. You may have giggled at my quick blog about wrath and the way I help people until they mistreat me. This is only chapter two. I had men promise to read every word I write already drop me. I can do this alone with no feedback.
I am beautiful, smart, honest and creative. Don’t refuse a free offer to move past xhamster and chat privately on skype. I am looking for two things. I am independent. I will not let a man pay my way. I must prove that men can love me than leave me but I can support myself. I will not be in a relationship where I can’t contribute to financial obligations. I have medical problems that are expensive. No man will be allowed to pay my way. I was raised to take care of myself. I will not be a cam girl forever. I will be an artist.

I give so many men a chance because I want a life partner. I deserve love. I know to expect the unexpected. I may fail as a cam girl and succeed as an artist. I may succeed as a cam girl and fail as an artist. I may become a pornstar. I may end up homeless. I may not be able to afford a private shrink and expensive medicine. If it happens I will die quick, hard and fast. I’ll explain more labor but a long time taking medicine has caused k**ney problems. I may drop dead.

I keep trying to tell people my decision to become a cam girl is about life or death. I wouldn’t do it if it was not the only option. It is degrading to mix sex with money. People treat you like a whore even though I enjoy innocent sexuality to please men who can’t touch me. The boys comment ‘have fun being a cam whore’ was made to mock my fight for survival. He can work and he lives with his parents. How dare he try to berate me for difficult things I must do. He tried to tell me my facebook blog portrayed me as slut. I wrote a hundred pages about the topic. I didn’t post it. Barely anyone would read it and no one would comment. I decided to write here where I will be praised for my sexuality.

One old lover messaged me asking me to listen to his demo and donate to his dream. His music was garbage. If I had ten bucks cash I would have contributed. Trust me the music was so bad he was not worth pawning something to help him. Instead I shared my most recent collages. I happily explained I knew he couldn’t enter my world because he was happily married. I let him know it is a forum for open minded musicians, artists and writers to connect all over the world. I was proud to tell him I would do anything to launch my own creative ambitions. For me it involves cam sex. I told him I would love to exchange one of my collages for his cd. I explained they cost the same amount to produce. Our shipping service was an equal amount. It was a chance for two old friends to trade our creations.

He attacked. First he said no and then he explained why. He told me I did not respect his marriage. He announced he was seeking donations for a legitimate cause. He declared he was not the ‘international barter exchange.’ He told me we clearly chose different paths in life. I listened to his music. It was terrible. I was trying to be supportive. I tore him a new asshole. He hadn’t contacted me in a year. The only reason he did was to get my money. When you listen to me talk about how happy I am that you are enjoying your married life and then accuse me of trying to tarnish it you don’t make sense.

I let him know I was not chasing his dick. I let him know I live in America and he moved to Germany. I can’t jeopardize his marriage. I wouldn’t try. I simply offered to exchange his music for my art. That is what friends do. I gave two pieces to my friend he refers to as his retirement plan. I knew I offered him something than can grow in value. He has no shot at a music career because he can’t sing. My art is really good and it is stupid not to collect it when I can afford to print it. He’s damn right we chose different paths. I would never use a site and solicit old friends for money. I plan to do this the right way. Instead of donations I’m going to work to become an artist. I let him know he should do car washes rather than beg. I called him out as an arrogant son of a bitch for targeting people just to get money. When you only send a message asking for money to old friends I call that manipulation and being a con-artist.

I let him know on my forum we exchange creative projects and consider it sacred. I let him know men have asked to buy my work if I could afford to print it. Good men are waiting for me to launch a website and tell them how to buy it. When I incorporate my nudity I have no doubt men will jump at the chance to collect it. He talked about building a boat. I told him on my forum we launch yachts and sail around the world together. I don’t have time for a boat. I want to travel the world.

I offered him a chance to have something I will make available world-wide. Once I edit it and form a website. I will feature as an option for galleries. Someone will jump at the chance to catch me as a new face in the art world. We move in different circles alright. I could jump on a site and beg for money to become an artist. Men would not only love my work. They would love my beauty. They would love my ambition. They would love to earn early work from an artist that could make it. My work is unique. It can take me places. I refuse to beg for money when it comes to art. This week has taught me that an honest plea for help gets rejection. Not enough people cruise that site on a search to donate and support new musicians and artists

Choosing cam sex is about earning my future through hard work and giving pleasure. There are a lot of musicians singing the same damn love song. There are a lot of artists selling bullshit landscapes. There is a search for good contemporary art. There is a search for something different. I will not be a cam girl once I launch as an artist and reach out to galleries. At the same time my work is in a gallery to be sold for a lot of money I will also make it available to good men like you who read my blog. For a man who impresses me with support I will basically give it away. That is the irony in calling me a ‘selfish bitch’ saying ‘have fun being a cam girl’ ‘We have chosen different paths’ ‘I don’t value people who care for me deeply’ ‘I don’t admit my writing is flawed’ ‘ ‘I make excuses and disrespect people’ and so much more. I plan to dedicate my life to people that read my blog. I am so generous that it is self-harmful. It will be fun being a cam girl. I chose an honorable path without begging. My excuses are real problems. I show people respect. I state over and over my writing isn’t perfect.

Now is the time to reach out to me. Raymond did it the right way. I give men a second chance. When I am a cam girl on two sites things will change. Both sites will have a blog for men to enjoy things. As soon as possible each site will have cutting edge nude photos that aren’t slutty. I’m working on getting an amateur photographer to make videos of me nude that use my voice and acting skills. A man made a comment about being curious to hear my voice. It meant a lot to me and I will explain why. It changes. When I talk to my mother I sound like a sailor. When I speak to make men aroused it’s a higher pitch. I have a southern accent. It was enhanced by my aunt jonell.

I was raised to use my voice to charm. I was taught to have the manners and tone of a proper lady. It is sweet like candy. It is soothing. The witticisms I use are old-fashioned. It is sexy. It is cute because I curse like a sailor and sound like sex and sweetness. A lot of the camsex I did was based on my voice. I can talk about graphic sex with a voice trained to be sensual. No one is able not to focus on the way I speak. It is true sweet southern charm. Most cam girls can’t pull it off. I have the ability to do things with my voice. It was being trained to use tone to make people comfortable. I get mocked it is so high and sweet. I used my voice to dominate phone sex before some girls had their first kiss. It affects men and women differently.

I learned how to use it in a restaurant. When customers get hostile I can soothe aggression. When I was f******n I got propositioned to work for a call center for a lot of money. I had to tell them I was so young. They begged me to stay in touch until I was sixteen. I lost the number.

Women hear something soothing and innocent. Men call me out for having a sexy voice almost immediately. Studying acting I learned how to use different variations for different roles. People tell me to use my real voice. That’s the funny thing. I can’t control it. My parents insisted I quit using my baby voice and speak like an adult. My aunt jonell told me to sound sweet. I formed two voices. They are entirely different. I can’t control it. When I am nervous high pithed, sexy and sweet is my only option. When I’m around good friends I am comfortable and I try not to sound sexual. People used to one voice freak out when they hear it change. When my aunt was alive I stopped everything to talk to her on my cell phone. Friends called it my aunt jonell voice. My ex thought it was the cutest thing ever. He stopped everything to listen to me take those calls. All of a sudden I was so southern, sweet and old-fashioned. We talked about the funniest shit. I sounded like a movie character. I haven’t talked to her in such a long time. That voice wasn’t about sex. It involved a twang so strong it was shocking. I was sweet like syrup. I did anything to please her.

Her favorite expression was ‘be sweet.’ Using my real voice disturbed her. Those lessons to ‘be sweet’ shaped my life. The sweet tone I use is sexy. Women don’t try to seduce men and women with their voice. I can’t stop it from happening.

There are so many reasons to reach out to me now. I will get more contact if I can produce nude photos and audio. Doing it on two sites mean catching me before I go from slammed to jam full of opportunities is smart. After I write these next few blogs you will know so much about me. I will return to writing erotic fiction based on fact. My agenda is to meet the men who knew me from the beginning and idolize them until they leave me. I need a circle of friends that knew me before I was busting ass as a cam girl. I do not worry anymore whether my writing is read or ignored. I learned a valuable lesson asking men to try it. Men don’t want to read. They want a free cam show.

I had one men who said in poor English ‘I do not pay I am yung and hansome.’ I told him that men who announce they are young and handsome offer me nothing. I want a humble man. I can refer to myself as a beautiful woman for a different reason. I do not try to get cam sex announcing my beauty. I’m only able to call myself a beautiful woman because I am talking about inner beauty. I have been ugly a long time. I’ll get into that story in the next few chapters. The way I help people is beautiful. My life is devoted to God. He owns me. My ability to love people despite flaws is beautiful. The fact that age and appearance doesn’t affect my ability to treat men like they are perfect is beautiful. My dedication to making a difference is beautiful. All I care about is using words to make people happy, laugh, promote health, stop bad habits and think. That is why I write a real blog that isn’t just non-stop sex.

I give every man a chance. That is why I say get my skype ID and stay in contact. More than money and support I need love. I am looking for a smart man who will read what I write and give me feedback I need. The right man will jump at the chance. He will stick around for the bad times. He will help me celebrate the good times. When I have a need he will work hard to achieve it. He will contact me daily. He will be able to read anything I write. He will be sexual. He will support me even if he feels jealousy. He will want my artwork. He won’t scold me. He will not act like he needs to educate and control me. He will understand my need to prove I can support myself and I don’t need his money. If we fight he will work with me to mend issues. He will love me for my flaws. He will not be intimidated if I succeed. He will have his own stories to tell. He won’t be scared to tell me he loves me. He will calm me down if I rage out on him. He will use words to convince me he won’t leave me for an easier option. He will respect me that I need solitude. He will not treat me like a maid. He will not push for sex when I can’t be sexual. He will be free to have his own independence. He will have his own hobbies. His story will also discuss overcoming adversity. He will live a relatively sober life. Like me if he engages in d**gs and alcohol it will be rare and harmless. He will win me with words. He will never cease to amaze me. He will be able to work hard. He will not try to impress people with wealth. He will want me even though I can’t have c***dren. He will be an older man that has had a chance to be a father. I refuse to allow a good man the chance to be a father to be with me. I will know he can recover if I die young. He will treat his f****y right. Most of all he will love me how I am now. If I make changes he will still love me. He will never try to change me. He will allow me to make my own decisions.

I can live a happy life if I never meet a man with all those qualities. It is a dream to find him. I will relocate anywhere in the world to be with him. He can also come to me and allow me the ability to stay in the town I love. The last usb port on my computer is failing. I can accept I must pawn jewelry to replace it. It is the key to my survival. As soon as I can have wi-fi I will go down the pm list with a simple message. My pm box is full and I can’t use it. Not very long ago I started a blog. The beginning is very sexual. My most recent posts discuss who I am. It is long. Most men don’t read it. I’m looking for men who love me for writing an honest blog about my life and what I’m thinking. I am an artist and a writer. I give any man a chance to know all about me. I don’t need anyone to read it. I write it for myself. I only ask you leave a simple comment if you do enjoy it. I am trying to learn new names and faces.

That list of names are men that aren’t too lazy to learn about me. Everyone seems to want free cam sex. Yes I do it. I plan on being a cam girl because I’m bi-polar. I can’t get a real job and I got denied disability. A man who can keep up with my blog and write a really good comment on a regular basis is encouraged to ask for my skype ID. A man that can do that is worthy of free cam sex. Nothing is guaranteed. It takes time to earn my trust. Soon I will do live broadcast here and on chatturbate. The kind of man worthy of cam sex is patient. He doesn’t give up on me if I miss messages. I will be very busy at first because I must earn money for expensive private healthcare and capital to launch an art career.

Even though I make it that clear I doubt anyone on that pm list will read a word I write. The fact I give them a chance is my dedication to engage men in a rare glimpse of a woman’s mind. I keep it real. I promise to return to fun stories about sex. First I had to introduce myself. I had to show my reaction to criticism. Chapter two needed to discuss what I learned trying to figure out who on my skype list must be eliminated. Then I had to encourage men who have read this blog to replace them so we can chat. I had to discuss pawning jewelry I cherish more than anything for a new computer to make it possible. I had to discuss the ways I get ditched by every man I cherish. I have to warn men I don’t expect them to stick around. It hurt to admit strangers did more for me than friends. I know this blog will make two men unhappy. I may have shared too emotion towards Raymond and cause him to feel overwhelmed and flee.

I had talk about brown sugars rage over a copy and paste message. If they felt disrespected the appropriate move should’ve been discussed in private. To attack me for legitimate problems I can’t control on my page was an example of abuse. There is no reason to harm my reputation when I’m a real girl with major problems. Any instance a woman is the primary person to communicate they are malicious. No more women will have a chance to interfere with my life.

If you read this blog you realize I don’t ask for something I’m not willing to do for other people. I can get money in the mail to help a stranger. No one asks me for help without a valiant effort to make it happen. If someone needs a comment for support they get a paragraph without asking. Even if it is a picture of a dick I’m complimenting. If you helped me when I asked I appreciated it. A man in Saudia Arabia knew my worth more than good friends. A friend who responded with a lovely paragraph about my broken heart fixed the situation. He answered in less than twenty four hours. Unlike Michael he was easily able to help me in ways I can’t forget. I know longer feel sad and broken hearted.

I told you every horror story becomes a fairy tale. When it hits you that you deserve support with a comment like that you reevaluate what is important in life. I am ready to write the next chapter even though it is a hard story to tell. I don’t need to write asking for feedback. I do a better job giving comments about a dick than men who claim love for me. I don’t need help. I can sacrifice the only thing I care about. I can work like a mad woman to get it back. I do hope men who read this ask for my skype ID. It won’t break my heart if they don’t. In time too many men will jump at the chance. I just have to keep writing, asking men to read it and be patient

Posted by linmarris2 months ago

Comments (22)
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8 days ago

It blows my mind how insecure some folks are, even when in such a situation of the internet. Damn if calling some guy a cocksucker in an innocent way actually offends him to the degree of wanting to delete you as a friend. Well perhaps your much better off without him and his likes. First you could say I suck donkey dicks for all I care. Because fact is there are no donkeys around these parts, and second only dick I would ever suck would be mind, and well that will never happen. But if folks are that sensitive on the internet then I really worry how they are in real life. This entire internet gig is all a fantasy. If you base your ideas of a person by their shaky profile, which of course my name is not Bill Would, and how much else is the truth?. But its just like a game when it comes to the real identity. yes we can get infatuated with the folks we correspond with, but also realize that the internet persona and the real person may be as different as night from day. I love the internet I love the ability to research for the truth. But its also a great toy for entertainment as well. take care
16 days ago

Intimate Linda, it’s obvious that you can express yourself easily by writing down your thoughts quicker than an ordinary people could even read.
For me your blogs are the best way for an exhibitionist and a voyeur to interact.
Words reveal nudity in the manner that please the exhibitionist while leaving the thrill to the voyeur that he is the only one you do it for because everyone can see different things behind the words he reads.
I wish I could express myself better in English but I think you’ll understand me anyways 🙂
1 month ago

O wow you do get a hard time, I hope you can shrug off all the abusive Neanderthals and feel free to do what you want and how you want to do it. It would be best for you to live in a country that has free (or subsidized) healthcare but hey the cards are drawn and I hope you will persist and find (some kind of) happiness regardless.Regards,
2 months ago

Thank you for sharing such an indepth look into your journey Lynn. Keep at it and I hope you find someone. I wont pester as I’m sure you have plenty of messages to wade through, but I will always be available for a chat or any other necessities if you ever do need it. I Look forward to it x

2 months ago

Thank you for such an intimate look into your life. I understand how difficult that all must be for you. There are patient men here and out there, many who can appreciate you and lift you up. I hope I can that kind of guy. You ever need someone to talk to, I’m always ready to listen.
2 months ago

Lynn, thanks for sharing a part of yourself. You are clearly a beautiful person inside and out. I wish you all the best in life , you deserve it. You have had some struggles in life, probably more than most people. I know you realize that there are good people out here that truly care about you even though they have never met you in person. Unfortunately you have to wade through some cold hostile waters to get to paradise. I look forward to hearing more from you 🙂
2 months ago

Thanks for taking time to reply my skype messages whenever you come online. Kisses
2 months ago

Thanks for sharing this!! 🙂
2 months ago

Lin, when I read how that asshole insulted you by saying have fun being a cam-girl I wanted to cuss his ass out, why you ask? I will say this a woman who is and doing all she can do to assist any friend the way you have to point of pawning a dear family heirloom just to get a different computer to keep in touch with her support group then those ripping on you need to chill for it belittles themselves, not you. You asked men to read your blog and comment , well I just finished working 14 hr shift and read every word you wrote and I enjoy reading your blogs so I have to say thank you and wish you the best dear.
2 months ago

thousands of dick pics??? blimey.. could use them for a phallus museum x
2 months ago

everything u write no matter how long is worth reading baby. this is no different. the issues u write about are true heartfelt and very inspiring and i hope that everyone that contacts u takes the time to read and get to know u the way i do. i know my comments have been small and im sorry for that. i can understand why woman will be jealous of u, even with your problems you are the total package for any man. u have brains and great looks. anyone would be lucky to have u. u are different for any woman i know and a hell of alot stronger. i sorry for not being there all the time please forgive me i would never give up on you but if the damage cant be repaired the only thing i have to say is that who ever reads this is that you were and hopefully are still my best friend and also an incredible woman. i will still be here to do whatever i can to help

2 months ago

Hi Lin…I understand where you are coming from…I am really getting into you 🙂
2 months ago

Yes your writing is long, I will admit I didnt read it word for word. You remind me of my friend Joseph in many ways. There are lots of things we agree on and also just as many we dont. But the main thing is we dont try to force it onto each other, but air our opinions. Doesnt matter if we agree or not. We each live our lives how we want.
2 months ago

Send me a message with your skype if u like. 🙂
2 months ago

Thank you for taking the time to pm me. My pc is broken too. Really fucked up. Won’t boot. I get on xham via my smartphone. It doesn’t work that well. I read your post above up to a few of your replies. I _will_ read the rest. I have a hard time going back in time to read comments or messages ’cause I’m using my Android. I can only see a few lines at a time. I have no mouse. My browsers don’t like the xham pages. They crash. I’ll try harder. Eventually I’ll get my pc fixed, but camming is not a priority.I read your blog where you described your voice. That’s why I want to hear it 🙂 it’s not a requirement for friendship. Just a silly idea. I thought I might be able to help you somehow if I could talk to you. Because typing on this phone is so slow for me, talking would be WAY faster. Please don’t feel pressured into anything by me.Sorry if anything I wrote seemed like a criticism. Geeze, I’m the last person who would be qualified to do that.

I won’t bail on you even if you insult me 😉 Hell, I could use a friend too.

I can do the stream of consciousness thing too, but not from the key pad of this ‘phone.

I will do some more research and get back to you. Please have your people call my people 🙂


2 months ago

thank you very much
2 months ago

thank you for letting us journey into your mind

2 months ago

you’re on the way hun 🙂
2 months ago

Long post but worth reading. Oh by the way if that musician wannabe contact you again tell him if he really want to get his music out there he should join some music/singing contest and show his talent there rather than asking to fund his awful music.I hope this blog post and other post you’ll make enable you to have the fresh start you want and seek. No more of those people who treat you poorly. I find it crazy they got really upset and make it a big deal out of it just because you forgot to greet them in their birthday.Im already in your skype list and we chat already Lynn. I hope you dont delete me accidentally.

Take care always.

2 months ago

if all this took under ~2houres to type you should start to writh novels and and books.. and you are like the female version of “HankMoody-californication” writher and likes sexand whats you´re skypeID =)
2 months ago

linmarris honer and respect is earned by what people do not say words cover up our true intent by making the mind trick itself too hope and belive all around us we are not alone in our daily struggles too live our lives amid the horrers of the out side world i come here too escape and find like minded people you are one such person .i will help you out if you ever need it. Do to the fact that we are human beings that think out wards of our selfs and it seems not a lot of people get it there are few like yourself and me that think the same and i hope they hear your voice out of all the clammer in the world its the soft sigh of your breath in our hearts and minds that blows on the embers of our soul as for a price for services nothing asked for and nothing given just reach our you heart and soul and let us be sweept away by your words thank you
2 months ago

what is your skype id

About lemerris82

My good friends call me Dirt Fizzle. They also call me by my real name and the name Halina Hawthorne. My real name is Lynn. I'm 31, I'm single, I have no children. I'm obsessed with art and printmaking. I'm in nursing school. I hate it. I'd rather be making art or writing. I write. I write about the commonplace and the vulgar. I wonder if other people have this urge to journal? I want to stumble around other members of fucked up individuals that don't sleep at night.

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