my letter to an angora bunny

last night i letter raped my male best friend. i am hoping he will help me launch my career as an artist. my ambition has changed. I was just going to chase florida galleries with a small portfolio of twelve gallery worthy custom framed collages i could either make into limited editions or sell unlimited for life. Last night I decided to shoot for the moon. I got a lot of great feedback when i posted my second gallery of artwork here on xhamster. One man in particular that my best pieces were some of my doodles and less commercial pieces. I had another good friend listen to me talk about launching a career as a camwhore. He wants something better for me and said there has to be another way. I brainstormed. A lot of my artwork was lost. I only have pictures of some of my best work. the man that does my printing is rooting for me to make it. He even gave me a scanner. He taught me how to turn each collage into several variations so i could still have limited editions that had slight variations i could achieve through cropping and adding color using photoshop. We live in a small town and my work is to cutting edge to display in the town gallery. I realized if he could turn those pictures of my lost art into flawless reproductions that i have a huge portfolio. I decided not to jump on chatterbate until i present my collection to a shitload of galleries. Of course I’ll face rejection. But I decided to think beyond florida. xhamster has taught me to thank on a global scale. I will contact galleries all over the world. The art market is in the pits. No one has money for collecting art. Collectors are always thinking about future investments. My mentor is famous as a floridian artist. He can’t sell shit right now. Collectors are focusing on graffiti art. A good graffiti artist can make a killing because collectors know it will hold value and it makes a statement that rebels against classic art. I plan to go on a voyage to produce extreme art. I will hit places like new york, LA, Paris and tokyo. I take a huge risk because im going to be offering them pieces of work i have to pay to have scanned, edited and printed. To get it done I will jump on board selling sexuality. I’m not stupid. I know men will always pay for a piece of ass before they buy a wall decoration. sex sells. My artwork will have a huge shot at being collectible because it is so sexual and graphic. One man asked me how i planned to portray myself sexually and intellectually on this forum. I explained Im going to use writing and good correspondence. Then I explained I’m amping up my writing with sexuality that I adore. The last step is finally posting plenty of seductive nude photos. I have explained to a lot of men that i have no camera. The recorder program i bought is a piece of shit. My angora bunny has an iphone and i can use it to make photos and videos. Unless you’ve cammed with me you don’t realize one of the sexiest things about me is my voice. My angora bunny was raised in a very healthy home. I’ve never met a man so freaked out by sexuality. I torment him. We started as lovers. One night we spent all night talking. He has bad ADHD. when he comes over he does engage me in conversation but he must also be playing on the internet. If he doesn’t have the computer he flips through my art books. He must constantly multi-task. I have been his sugar momma since we met. I had a life insurance policy. I shared every dime with him. I paid his rent two months in a row, i gave him my ATM card and told him to buy any computer he wanted. His had a busted screen. I bought him clothes. I spent a fortune on adderall for us both. Every time he came over i gave him my card so he could buy beer or gas if he needed it. I refused to check my bank balance. I let him know i didn’t care if he pulled out a twenty. He could’ve ripped me off for three hundred bucks a visit. I will never do the research to find out. One morning after one of are all night adderall binges he needed to go to the gas station to fill his tank before driving home. I happened to check the computer. He broke my heart. He had that much love from me. While i sat beside him he used my computer to go on the dating site we met. He had me in front of him and he was scrolling for pussy, high on my medicine and spending my money. I gave him his first taste of my darkside. He had to sit mortified while i gave him a speech about southern hospitality and being disrespected in my goddamn attic. I could’ve told him to never come back and punched him in the face. Instead i had pity on him because he was nearly crying from guilt and humiliation. I launched ‘operation warfare’ I got back on the dating site. I downloaded skype when some cute young boy told me he thought i was using old high school photos because im thirty two and i looked young in my pictures. He was so convinced i downloaded the damn program to show him the pictures match the cam. It was the first time i had cam sex. It was hilarious. He was so kinky. He shot his load and caught every drop in his mouth. I was speechless. It was so epic i introduced him to my best friend so she could watch him eat his load. She introduced me to badoo. I f***ed my angora bunny to meet the first guy i decided to date. We were like boyfriend and girlfriend. I could see the pain in his eyes to see me about to go fuck some dude i met off the internet. I hated the dude i had a blind date with. He had been up all night and he begged me to let him come pick me up when he got out of work. One of the first things he said to me was ‘i can see you don’t go outside much and exercise’ I had lost a lot of weight but I was still curvy. I hammered him with a response that if he didn’t like my weight plenty of other men did. He tried to say his comment was about the fact im not tan. I told him actually i have a healthy complexion. I told him I am a nazi about sunscreen and that made me not wrinkle. It was total irony. He even had to ask me for gas money to drive to his house. Later we discussed the fact that he was way too thin and he needed to gain twenty pounds. We also discussed the fact he had so much sun damage he aged prematurally and looked older than he really was. It was fate. My angora bunny had the chance to score me black market adderall. As a couple we both dropped everything to exchange money and pills. I had to tell him i was with another man. The other man gave me a lecture about trusting a man with my ATM card. He was so persistant he made me check my bank balance. It way lower than i ever dreamed. I freaked the fuck out. My blind date told me my angora bunny robbed me. We had one of our best moments as a couple. I was nearly in tears. He just held me and we did the math. We calculated how we spent the money. For christ sake’s when we had our first blind date i booked a hotel room that cost five hundred bucks a night. I had also just invested a fortune in producing my artwork. I left convinced he didn’t rip me offf and the money was well spent. I was so not attracted to my blind date. I knew it was one of those horrible situations I had to fuck a dude i didn’t like. I d**gged myself with a double dose of my anti-psychotic. It is a great pill. It dissolves under your tongue and knocks you out in ten minutes. All summer long I had to stop my angora bunny from kissing me goodnight. Any of that pill in his mouth would make him not able to wake up. I already had plans to d**g the blind date. It was even better. He was a d**g seeker. He thought my sl**ping medicine was something like xanax and he wanted one. I am usually not evil. I would never allow anyone to take my medicine if I wasn’t trying to avoid sex. My mom takes it sometimes and she always does the same thing. She wakes up to pee, gets tangled in her cover, hits the floor and pisses all over the place. I was so evil I gave him a whole pill. I was excited. I was dying to see what the pill does to a normal brain. He got lucky and just took half. Yet again I met another man who didn’t kiss me, touch me or try to get me wet. we got naked and he stuck a dick in me when i was desert dry. The d**g hit him immediately. It was reverse date ****. He started moving slower and began passoing out before we had three minutes of sex. I don’t even think he cam. Suddenly he was just comatose. I took a double dose of medicine and spent the day dosing in and out. He wanted me to stay the weekend. There was no way that was happening. He had to go to work. I started trying to wake him up two hours before he was supposed to be there. I knew he was going to be fucked up. I never dreamed it would be so bad. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I shook him like a baby that dies from head trauma. I turned on the lights. I held him in a sitting position. He was like a corpse. I got mean and told him he had to wake up i needed to go home period. I warned him he would lose his job if he didn’t snap out of it. There was not a coffee maker or caffeine in the house. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t put on pants. He berated me so hardcore. He told me he never felt more fucked up in his life. He officially told me that my sl**ping pill was only meant for crazy people in asylums. I could’ve torn him a new ass. I let him know that i took three times the dose he took and i functioned just fine. I told him that I had no idea he couldn’t handle downers. I told him I would buy him a redbull. He was about to be driving me on the interstate. He didn’t take my advice and bought one of those five hour energy shots. I told him it was a dumb move. he needed the extra large can of redbull and he needed to chug it. We stopped speaking. I have never been moore scared in my life. It took about an hour on the interstate to get to my house. He had no chance of getting to work on time. He drove a hundred miles an hour weaving in and out of traffic with no turn signal. I got on my phone and truly told my best friend I loved her but I was saying goodbye. The way he drove was so scary that I don’t know how he got me home. He was nodding in and out driving that fast in two lanes. I didn’t say a word when he dropped me off. For a ll i know he was in a fatal collision on his way to work. I learned my lesson not to d**g men. Then one fateful day one of my friends from holland told me about xhamster. It has been 87 days of sheer entertainment. I rarely talk to americans. Usually only foreign men contact me. My angora bunny has had to hear all the details. I tend to fall in love on a weekly basis. I even had to make him remove all the dick pictures from my computer. I think he looked at a hundred dicks that night. To make it even more evil i made him make me a hidden file to save dick pics from men i dearly love. He is so good to me there is a desktop icon i can click that gives me instructions how to find my hidden file of dicks and hot men. Now im broke and it is time to find out if he still loves me when i dont have an ATM card and adderall. We havent hung out in months. I accused him of ditching me the moment i went broke. He responded with plans to bring me home to hang out at his house for tthe first time and spend a weekend together. I was hoping it would be in a few days. After I letter ****d him he responded to let me know it would be a week or two. This is the letter I wrote him. oh i wish you were coming sooner i was so excited. you know me . by next week i may be out of medicine. also it would’ve been nice if you gave me one inkling on your thoughts concerning the letter i ****d you with last night. my computer is malfunctioning hard. i really need someone to teach me how to clean out my fan. i only come on facebook to check for your messages. ive changed forums. it hit me that i have around a hundred friends on faceebook who offer no feedback when i blog. xhamster has a blog option. ive been on the site 87 days and i had 2500 people send me a request to be my friend. the way i blog has changed. it is shorter. less intense .it is mostly sexual. people love it. sure not that many men take the time to read. a lot of men skip over me because i have a long profile. instead i attract other writers and musicians. it is difficult. words as simple as sl**p **** f***e d**g i*****l f******n scrapped f****y s****r and even a****l are all bleeped out. but im finally getting praise for a genuine blog that is well written. im branching into fiction. it will be my next step. i post dialogue of funny chats. im bombarded by too many messages to ever possibly answer them. i really do need your help to photograph and film me. im very proud of my curves. when you met me you had no clue i would end up this confident chick that just received a legit offer to make porn for five to thirty grand per shooting. we couldn’t have predicted that at the hotel when we met. just like georgia o’keefe i want to make photographs of myself nude even though im flawed. even if i never have to be a cam girl i do want to be naked on my profile. its not about getting more male attention. its an artistic statement. i always said my writing was like standing naked on a pedestal in my yard. on this site i can really do it. it is rebellion. it is healing. it is also preparation for a future that may take those photographs and launch a site for men to pay for me to be an artist. i will wash and style all my wigs. i need you to tap into your erotic zone. i sm still fat by american standards. it is about bl**dy time i become proud of my size and shape. i want to have you record my voice when i amp it to sexual. im not afraid to be one of the sexiest intelligent chicks on the whole site. i just need your help. i can earn money through seduction with more nudity. im blown away by my own transformation. i want to celebrate it and flaunt it. just the other day a man saw me on cam and told me i was glowing. i explained my change in nutrition and my weird pregnancy style glow. i keep making women hate me. i see their pictures and i understand. i went from bald fat dirty badly dressed and chewing my face liike i was on meth into a whole new girl. in so many ways i did transform into a real manic pixie dream girl. if i make it as an artist i want people to be able to see me nude. its the ultimate taboo. if i knew if the offer to make porn covered airfare i would do it in a heart beat. to go from so ugly my mom looked at me eating my face and cried and transform into a major player in bbw porn based on my shape and facial beauty and wigs is like living a fantasy. so it will be harder to reach me. your my last contact on facebook. there is no reason to check for messages or feedback ever again. i have anew outlet for social media.. with the right nude photos i could reach a cult like following. i could be approached for publication. i can have fans collect my artwork. i can tell my life story and people will read it. this is just the beginning. so dont dread taking photos of me. i know you will hear me say words you cant stand. at the same time you are giving me a shot at being a female icon like anais nin or marilyn monroe. that is priceless. you watched me transform everything. now i need you to document the change. you know no one else will do it. your ability to make me turned on and comfortable with my body is unique. i know it will feel dirty to you. but its actually quite beautiful. its a bond we shared when we took a vacation in my attic. even my mom is excited that you are having me over. i told her about my plan to approach art on a world wide scale. i told her it would all depend on if you take the lottery ticket to invest in me. she didn’t flinch when i explained in sheer honesty that my money will always be your money. Me and my mom both shared the dream that i hit it big and you never have to wait tables or worry about money for life. if we do this right and do it hard. you can sit back and write your first novel. taking nude photos is just the first step to scratching off my lottery ticket and having the time to do what you do best. i hope you jump at the gamble. for once you have to bet on a horse and pray she pushes it so hard she may die from exhaustion. if i die young i want to be exhausted. after winning a race no one thought i could ever run. That was the letter i wanted to remember. Welcome to what my blog is like when I’m something besides sex. I will always lable it real blog so people who are only interested in my erotica don’t have to read something not designed to turn men on. This is what i do when I’m not answering messages or taking calls. I tell stories and explain memories. It’s not for everyone. But there are men who will take the time to enjoy what I do. Writing is my d**g. I wrote a long explanation about how i planned to blend sexuality with intellectuality on this site. The sex part is easy. I truly just need nude photos and videos. I’m looking for love. I want a man who likes the way i think. It is ballsy to write a nonsexual blog on a porn site. I need a forum to write free from old friends who lost interest in me. I am so sexual it tends to piss women off. My confidence and happiness at fixing my flaws comes off as bragging to old friends. So I’m giving this a shot. I will never be able to answer each private message I get. I am starting to scroll through messages and focus on ones that say art or blog. If it has been days since you sent me a message and i didn’t respond the only way ill catch it is if you send me a new message and go back to the top of the list. I am focusing on comments on my page and on my blog. I never miss those. Since writing is a daily habit there will probably be apost daily. Most of the time it will be sexual. Sometimes it will be deep and profound. Switching off of facebook is a new path. I’m hoping to make people laugh. I’m trying to make people understand that it is weird for me to be hit on. I was bald, fat and abused a long time. My grammar will never be perfect. People will hit me with critism. It always happens. I dare anyone to judge my writing unless they also write a daily blog. Until i meet another writer there is no way to harm me with negativity. I hope to please a small circle of readers that enjoy a chance to see me naked on a pedastal. This blog is me nude. There will be pictures of me nude that correspond to my transition as an artist, a writer and possibly a camwhore     linmarris Post Comment     linmarris     1 month ago   dont worry about the translation. just thank you for reading my work. many kisses   Reply in reply to sourrie (Show the comment)   sourrie     1 month ago   wow! here you ………. “naked”, I like a sincere woman, not always happy, a woman who “gives” his readers, I will still read! (oups sorry i translate all ,i hope you understand , no angry pls),i read again   Reply

linmarris

Real life blog 1

excerpt from a chat with a new friend. i am really sweet. i go out of my way to perform for men that most girls wouldn’t. months ago i started chatting with a sweet boy he told me he couldn’t cam because he was disfigured. he was in a major car accident and lost almost all his teeth. his dentures are super painful. if you saw him on the streets you would think he was a meth head. i told him it didn’t matter. i liked who he is and i wanted to give him pleasure. teeth are a big deal for me. i never thought i could get sexual with a boy without them. i was the first girl to treat him decent in three years. now we are really good friends. i think of him as my only true friend a lot of the timewhen i did my last cam show live he had just got out of the emergency room for pulling a muscle in his back. i begged him to watch me perform. i told him i would devote the whole show to making him so horny he had to whack off despite a pulled muscle. it was priceless he couldn’t type. but half way through my show he sent me a pic of his hard dick and told me i won. i think so to. it’s all most better for good friends not to read my blog. it’s too personal. it’s something that can paint me in the wrong light. my friend in india thought my tales of sexploitation would tarnish my image. i wrote almost one hundred pages of single spaced blogging about why i have no fear what people think of me. i described my rational. i described another friend who also told me i was too sexual. i know no one will read it. i dedicated it to my friends from nursing school who saw me fat, bald, overflowing with anxiety and almost in a break down. for me to write that blog is a celebration that we all grew up. we all changed. most of them are nurses. some had babies. one lost her mother who i met. I ended up being the fat shy balding girl on the verge of becoming a porn star. its a fun story to tell. that’s good writing. so what if women or men think im a slut. Me: a lot of men can’t handle the way i communicate. the big joke is that i **** people with letters. sometimes im not in the mood to blog and i just want one person to share my thoughts. i letter ****d my male best friend last night. it was harsh. it will take him hours to read it. i also write in one steady stream of conscious style. i refuse proper formatting and i know my huge blocks of text are harder to read because i don’t capitalize, indent or form proper paragraphs. i apologize for eye strain. when im in the mood to write i get joy from seeing that large block of text. im selfish about writing. i don’t make it easy. but i do it which makes me special. so many people cant write an essay or tell a story. i do it with an addiction like crack cocaine. i tell people im a word whore. i warn new friends to feel anally ****d by a long letter. anonymous 2: thats fine with me, i don’t mind reading it in paragraph or in small chunks everything is just fine with me. other than camming with friends, tell me about your sexual life. i hope you don’t mind sharing it with me i joke im the chick that never gets laid. it’s always been that way. i transitioned from a fat dork in glasses and ugly clothes into a hot chick in one day. i got contacts. i wore a short skirt and a tight low cut green blouse that made my eyes look beautiful. i look amazing in green. suddenly i went from being an outcast to being popular. that year of eighth grade and the summer before high school i think i broke every law except arson and murder. I kept it secret from my religious academic friends in the accelerated program. they would have dropped me as a friend if they knew i was fucking, hitchhiking, smoking pot, drinking, shoplifting and more. i led a double life. Comments (8) linmarris Post Comment linmarris 11 days ago my lion, I don’t get it. I don’t understand why other people don’t have the insatiable urge to express themselves. I know it drives me crazy. I need to do this. One year ago when I started writing all night I did ‘find myself.’ It was an awakening. I know I have not reached true enlightenment. However, if I’m awake then I’m working towards it. Maybe I’m oldschool with a desire to be self-actualized. I don’t give a shit. I left facebook because all my old friends seem to be sleeping. Their posts make me sad. I switch between letting men know about my blog and asking them for feedback to giving up hope it will be read. Men still ask me if I’m real. I tell them to read me and decide. They found a real woman on this site doing things the right way and it freaks them out. Men can’t usually handle a woman like me. There is a pattern. They are entertained for a week and move on. I’m too damn difficult. Only a lion can see my potential. Reply in reply to bigsquirter69 (Show the comment) linmarris 11 days ago awe reb baby you are so good to me. I know i have been missing and you sent me a skype message a few minutes ago. Don’t think I’m ignoring you. I’m just on a mission to reply to so many missed comments Reply in reply to rebz10 (Show the comment) bigsquirt… 20 days ago I wish more people could find themselves and express themselves as you are able to. How you put it down matters not, that fact that you do does. Thanks for sharing Reply rebz10 24 days ago I have no problem reading long messages/post from you. it will take time to read thou. im kinda slow reader. Reply linmarris 1 month ago there wii be much more my sweet dion Reply in reply to diondoesit_bbc (Show the comment) diondoesi… retired 1 month ago No doll you’re not too much at all. I can take more of you. Reply in reply to linmarris (Show the comment) linmarris 1 month ago thank you so much. im flattered. some men tell me im ‘too much’ i would rather be ‘too much’ than ‘too little’ Reply in reply to diondoesit_bbc (Show the comment) diondoesi… retired 1 month ago I love the way you express who you are and how you feel. Say what you wanna say. Nurse or porn star, you’re fucking hot and very interesting. Reply

linmarris

Sexting Round 2 Casting and the taxi cab

Anonymous: so you are telling me you were a bad lil slut? ok if you are my Slut, what am I ? tell me what dirty names you love to be called.Me: i love being called all the bad names a woman can be called. nothing offends me. the only way to make me pissy is to ask me to tell you what a stupid slut i am. i hate calling myself stupid. one boy made me do it and it was too degrading. i love when a guy decides to call me his little slut, or whore, or my cunt. i love being called a bitch, a tramp, a tease. i love it all. there is no name off limits.Me: most of the time i pick a nickname for the men in my life. a man usually gets three names. you read my profile you know i pick a****l nicknames for boys. you have to pick your a****l. then a lot of the time i give boys a pet name like babydoll, pumpkin butt, or sugar tits. i usually call a man baby. i use darling, sweetheart, precious. but my worst bad habit came from my lover of twelve years who f***ed me to fuck in carpet. he made me call him daddy. it was kinky and i loved it. i got back with my ex and forgot which dude i was fucking and screamed out daddy. we both busted out laughing. he was such a prick he probably says that was proof i fucked my dad. no it was just me being kinky. only certain boys like to be called daddy Anonymous: that is funny. my two ex’s liked to call me Daddy too, mostly because i was a few inches taller than them plus i was constantly taking care of them then while we were spooning one told me that i was her Daddy because i did things for her no one else did, then she grinded her ass into my hips while only wearing a thong and i got even. yeah those names are rather interesting really, each one has their own style very unique. Me: yeah the daddy fetish is pretty hard to admit. but it does get me off. my father was my enemy. so any time an obedient man gives me a chance to call them daddy the vindictive slut comes out of me. now i can talk all about being daddy’s bad little girl. and getting his belt and letting him tell me what daddy thinks i should do to be sexy Anonymous: good then, you are Daddy’s lil girl. when he wishes, you will be Daddy’s lil slut. you will be on your knees, open your lips and suck cock like the slut you are for me. i want to look down and see you suck my balls as you stroke and lick your way up my cock. all while you wear naughty outfits for me. Me; of course. i love being daddy’s little slutty girl. i love feeling his strong hand slide up my skirt and slap my bare ass hard enough to leave a mark. i love being on my knees sucking cock. i love it deep in my throat until i gag on it. i know men love to see tears and snot dripping down my face as i look up at them with dirty slutty eyes and keep choking on that dick. i take a break from sucking dick to play with balls. i can be gentle or i can be rough. i love a tight firm ball sack i can fit all in my mouth. then i like to gently move the balls around with a tongue caressing them. i like to do many things daddy. and i do them like a good little slut. should Me: i was a bad girl daddy. i did write a man this brief little fantasy ive always had. when i write more about it i will go in greater detail. Me: one of my favorite fantasy is having a man f***e me to wear one of those vibrating ‘bullet’s’ of toys in my pussy pressing against my clit and my really tight panties. I want to be f***ed to sit through a meal with the juices flowing down my thighs as i ache and cum over and over. then in the taxi i would want you to slide your hands up my dress and push the toy deeper inside me as the taxi driver tries to keep looking at the road instead of my legs spread wide open while you lift up my dress exposing my bare pussy and fucking me hard while i moan Anonymous: mmmm that is how i want my slut, wearing a naughty uniform for me to rip off you and fuck you under. just remove it and see your big tits fall out and see them be hard and hot, to see your juices slide down from your thighs as you suck cock and enjoy being bad before me. Anonymous: hmm, i have made a girl once have her vibrator inside her pussy from picking up her gf at her house and dropping her off at her work place. she became so wet that she had to pull over and cum, but she never pulled out the toy … she obeyed me very well. she took 3 minutes to gather her thoughts and continued to drive back home where she went to bed and fucked herself silly until her sheets were covered in her cum. Anonymous: oh i am pretty sure if i did that to you in the taxi he will drive slowly to get a good view of you getting fingered and you pushing your hips into my hand. making my fingers go so deep inside you that you can’t stop but to lust being finger fucked in broad daylight with a few stops of redlights and people watching be dirty and all of the sudden get on top of my cock, he will see those massive tits dance while you get on my cock and you try to be good but can’t hold one any longer as you sit on it and inch by inch it opens you that i hear it in your breathing as you take it like that. Me: this is what i replied more about the taxi scene. i hope you imagine me with a toy stuck deep inside of me as i grind against it. in the cab ride home with my legs spread open and you fucking me i would want you to pull my tits out of my dress and suck and rub each of my nipples which you cover in spit while the driver watches me cum over and over Anonymous: mmmm my lil girl is a very bad lil girl. she loves that dirty attention she gets when the red light hits that she takes the time to moan louder and scream passionately as i abuse your body and you look at his rearview mirror and enjoy how much you loved getting fucked so dirty that you can’t imagine stopping as you moan loudly and proudly, you want to be bad and get the naughty attention Me: i would want a toy that you wear like a thong that curves up to hit the g-spot and vibrates. I used to have one. in the cab ride home i would want you to tell the driver that what he was about to witness would be just a bonus for his tip. i would want you to push my skirt all the way up to my waist and push my legs open. i want you to tell him you made me wear it through dinner. if you really want to punish me you’ll also try to f***e me to wear a but plug at the same time. i would love you to show him both my holes violated. Me: i would have a bigger vibrator in my purse. i want you to focus on my clit but use it to fuck me as hard as possible while my pussy gushes all over the seat. i want you to yank down my blouse and show him my hot pink hard nipples. i want you to suck on them and lick them while you slowly rub the vibrator on my clit and slide it deep in me. i want to feel you push the butt plug deeper into my ass while you call me your little whore. and a slut that deserves to be watched and punished. Anonymous: oh if i continue to perverse the driver any further, he will make a quick turn into the dark alleys just to see you get fucked and since he can’t touch you because of the thick plastic glass; you will moan so passionate and dirty as i play with your body. watching how those toys violate your pussy and ass and yet you don’t want me to stop on the contrary you encourage me to play even dirtier with you. one: by sucking your nipples hard and make you moan every possible as those nipples get hard by all the constant attention i give them plus you are loving how fucking perverted the driver is by lusting over your body and you smile in such a naughty way it is expected of you. mmmm. i want to fuck your ass and leave that toy in your pussy; i plan to make sure you cum hard and play with your body. mmmm Anonymous: i can already picture your passionate ideas wanting to be touched longer and provoke me to fuck you every way possible. i want to have my thick cock stretching your asshole open and make you be so bad for me that you cum being double penetrated. Anonymous: it seems like a lot of guys are wanting to see you be that much dirty or more. have a good time, i dont know if you are being a good girl right now or you are being very bad for me. Me: good night my dear friend. sl**p well thanks for a day filled with fantasies. it was priceless. i don’t know if im being good or bad. i just had to tell you some guy tried to write me erotica. i thought you might like my response to his cab taxi fantasy. i like it because you do it in broad daylight. which would turn me on to know a taxi driver could see me in the rear view and people walking by could see you sucking and licking my tits which you covered with my gushing sea of pussy. a plug stretching my ass, rubbing and fucking me with a huge vibrator. and once we have the cabbie into the show you can whip out your cock and let me suck it while you fuck me with a toy. Me: and then finally i will be totally naked and i will ride you both ways. i will watch him seeing me slide up and down your cock with my my tits bouncing. then i will turn around and face you. then i can really just stare down at your face which will be smothered by my bouncing tits as i keep pumping up and down on your cock. we will make it obvious so anyone in a car next to us in traffic can watch. They see me pressing down on your shoulders and riding up and down on you. and then you finally can’t take it and fill my tight little hole with cum that sticks to my thighs and the cheap plastic seats. we lay there just exhausted. we tip him a hundred bucks. we walk butt naked into the house and start fucking immediately. steevo27 8 days ago I can take it all, hopefully you are beginning to see that in me. I embrace the ultimate challenge. Reply linmarris 8 days ago I’m so proud of myself for figuring out how to use the my news section to find comments people left me on earlier posts. I love writing erotica. I didn’t want to pressure you into taking on the task of reading my whole blog. At the same time I highly recommend it. I even tell men I’m mostly writing hardcore good erotica and they still don’t bother reading it. It’s like I can’t win even when i try to get men off on a porn site. I started with a mission to nail good sex writing. I only took a break to engage men in a real story to test the waters for how they handled the task. It is an intellectual elimination game. I am finding out who can handle heavy reading out of curiosity. I am trying to engage men into embracing the total package. I have the ability to be super kinky. When you also find out that I have had a hard life. I’m smart. I’m driven. I’m always breaking rules. I find something positive in a nightmare. And more it should only make men more attracted to me. Instead it pushes them away. It’s kind of fascinating. It’s like they can’t handle the variety. I offer many things. It is way too much for most men to understand. Men who like my real blogs are freaked out by my kink. Men who like my kink don’t care to put a real story behind the sex. Finding a man who can take it all is the ultimate challenge. Reply in reply to steevo27 (Show the comment) steevo27 8 days ago I have really only known you for a day or so, so I want to start at your earliest blogs and work my way to your most recent. I have read a few of your most recent postings, but I feel there is a chronological order to your work and I want to understand you fully. I must say, there were a few times while reading this blog I needed to “adjust myself” because the snake was getting restless. The urge to get up satisfy myself was constant throughout this posting. I too am a very sexual person, I can never get enough, but from what I just read, I know I am in for a fantastic experience as I continue to read the next chapters! Very mesmerizing story that got my blood rushing to certain areas for sure. I look forward to the next story…. Reply denis32 8 days ago Daddy will you use his mouth all over that sexy body leaving bruises everywhere he sucked on. Daddy will start on your neck and work his way down sucking every inch of you leaving Marla all the way down to your feet as he licks and sucks on you from head to toe and everywhere in between till he reaches that sweet love hole, and then sucks those lips till they are swollen so big with pleasure , then I will spank those lips and your ass til you scream with pleasure Reply linmarris 8 days ago daddy i want you to leave the biggest bruises with your mouth. if your a good daddy you will try to suck every inch of my body until it is purple. I want you to suck my nipples so hard they are purple and so sensitive I quiver as you lick them to sooth them from such abuse. You can spank me with a paddle too. But you must cover me with a delicious array of red and purple hickies. From my toes to my earlobes. A good daddy sucks me until i look like a smurf. Reply in reply to denis32 (Show the comment) denis32 10 days ago Daddy likes to leave marks and bruises . So he will use his hands and a paddle and spank you nice and hard while he slides his cock in you doggy style and fuck you slowly till your juice is running down his legs, and then I will spank you so hard you won’t be able to stand or walk… Reply in reply to linmarris (Show the comment) linmarris 10 days ago oh daddy i’ve been sleeping like a bad girl but I’m back. I’m begging for your cock on my hands and knees. I’m dying to have you fuck my pretty little mouth. leave me black and blue from your spankings. If my ass isn’t purple after you discipline me then I want a new daddy. I’m a bad girl. Reply in reply to denis32 (Show the comment) denis32 1 month ago Daddy wants you to beg for it. He likes when you ask and crave his cock and daddy wants to rub your pussy for you while he spanks you hard till he leaves bruises on your ass… Reply in reply to linmarris (Show the comment) linmarris 1 month ago oh daddy your comment made me nice and wet. i want you to spank me so hard tears roll down my cheeks. im slowly rubbing my clit right now thinking about you Reply in reply to denis32 (Show the comment) denis32 1 month ago Oh yes I want to make you call me daddy as I gentle tease your sweet pussy lips with my fingers slowly at first , then I will have you bend over so I can finger Your as and spank you for a while to make you nice and wet, then once I am done doing that I would fuck you slowly for hours and make you beg daddy for more till you just can’t hold back anymore… Reply in reply to linmarris (Show the comment) linmarris 1 month ago denis32 oh my god am i bad about my fetish to call men daddy. my main lover in my twenties made me say it one night. He should’ve kept it going. He wasn’t good at dirty talk. The next guy I fucked was such a bad lay. nonetheless he had me on the verge of cumming and i screamed out ‘daddy’ I stopped and we both busted out laughing. to this day I beat he tells everyone i fucked my dad. i told a few men this. one man told me he wanted to letter fuck me. the guy i was letter fucking hasn’t contacted me in days. if you want to play send me a comment on my latest blog or on my page what you want to do to me. I will move the conversation into a pm and we will fuck with words. if it is good enough i hope you let me post it like homero Reply in reply to denis32 (Show the comment) sourrie 1 month ago my name “sourrie”!!!A mouse,why?,to do this swallowed by a pussy .I want to open your legs and lick,and hear you enjoy Reply denis32 1 month ago Oh my goodness I wish I knew in real life we could have so much fun and get kinky I luv when women call me daddy it is so hot Reply

Sexting with anonymous: ownership off my asshole

Anonymous: You bleeped me?Me: bleep rape. I assaulted you with wordsAnonymous: hahahaha How? do more. I’m more curious Me: there will be many more long letters. i will bleep you nonstop Anonymous: Hey you never know… I could bleep you! Hahaha Me: it would be a bleep that I treasured for a life time. just be gentle with my asshole. it has barely been used in a bleep type scenario Anonymous: Even painting that scenario sounds heavenly. Me: i agree. I would love to be your muse Anonymous : You enjoy being help to find that one certain comfort. Me: as long as you use the most powerful lube on the market Anonymous: and you are willing to take it. sounds like you will enjoy yourself having it done to you. Me: for the right man who can make me feel submissive and soothe me with a tone of voice that turns me on Anonymous: depends how you like it. from finding you in bed wearing little to no clothes on and playing with you while you sl**p. to tease the tip over your panties to make you wet enough that you get aroused and like the attention as I massage your breasts and bite your neck. Me: you would find me nude and bed and enjoy playing with me sl**ping Anonymous: i am sure i would hear the juices as i gently pull your fingers out of you and find you breathing hard. Me: i love being teased and having my neck bitten. I don’t care if it leaves marks. I love getting them Anonymous: then I would talk dirty into your ear as the hips push into you, making you feel what you are going to get in a matter of seconds. good then, you can take it very well. It can be expected of you to moan gently as you feel yourself be overcome by power. Me: you’ll love my body any penetration causes me to get wet like I was spraying a water hose Anonymous: that is perfect. as two fingers are being pushed into you, i know you will push back and feel yourself wanting more and more until it is deep in you and you can’t control it. only to be surprised when the other hand slaps your ass. you gasp and look back aroused then gyrate your hips in approval. Me: just feeling the tip of your cock slowly pressing in me while you tell me to relax every muscle in my body and enjoy the pain as you thrust inside me with one harsh penetration that leaves me breathless Anonymous: how anxious are you to feel a thick vein cock pushing in you right about now. to hear you act like it, can nearly be visualized in your body’s movement. staying in place as it is pushing inside of you … you don’t try to hide it; you love how it goes in you so well like you were meant to take it all. Me: very anxious. but i don’t want just any cock. i want your cock Anonymous; mmm i bet you are very willing to take it. to enjoy how it pushes in you that your whole body feels a full wave come over you and prepares you for it. Me: I was meant to take it all in. i love it once I’m past the pain of having it thrust me apart. you feel my whole body tense. then as you soothe me with words you feel me go limp and press my hips back against your cock Anonymous: you take it like it’s going to break you in two, but you don’t stop. you love the sensation of how determined you are and once its fully in that view is marvelous. so deep in you that i can feel you thrust back. mmmm you are very determined to not just take it, but you want it all. to get it so bad your dripping just thinking about it. how long can you last when they are fucking your ass? Me: yes my panties are soaked thinking about that five second wave of pain being compensated with an intense euphoria as i further relax and fuck back against your hips with a powerful thrust pushing you deeper inside me. only one man has done it and i lasted as long as he needed me to Anonymous: no Linda, just wait until your hips are grabbed and pulled back. then we will see how wet you really get when you get cock so deep in you, that you will be screaming and moaning in such a dirty way even you will find yourself surprised how much you can take. then you are ready to take it good. with your ass nice and lubed you can take it hard and deep. making your pussy drip in sheer pleasure. Me: call me lin and you will shocked by my screaming, moaning and writhing all while you use your hands to pin me down. i would love it. the right man has to teach me how to fight through the pain and keeping going even when i say no and squirm to get away Anonymous: good then, it will be easy to grab you by the back of your neck push you down that it makes your ass push up and give a marvelous view. in between those big thrusts, a nice spanking will be in order to see you push back until it sounds like you can cum any minute. oh yes, you better learn your place if you want to enjoy more of it and continue to make you obey so well. Me: id love a good spanking with a cock thrusting in and out of my asshole. Anonymous: yes, spanking you good. making that asshole tighten in each thrust and spanking harder. making you feel like it can be the end but you are loving every part of it, deep in you. Me: i will obey a man that is strong enough to take what he wants. Anonymous: good, you are very submissive and can take it any way possible. Me: yes i am very submissive. i don’t like silly master slave games. i just love being with a man comfortable dominating me into relaxation Anonymous: yes that is how it sounds you like taking it. that when you get off the floor your knees are sc****d. after its done, the neighbors know who owns you. your ass knows fully well how much punishment it enjoys. Me: ive never been good at riding a dick because every man i’ve slept with has known my true need for sex involves domination and being fucked. Anonymous: i am sure those big tits would be jumping all over the place if you had the chance. as your hips would be getting pushed back down as that thick cock pushes in an out of you so deep you are trying to hold on from anything. Me: yes with each thrust my huge tits slam against my chin and my whole body is concentrated on staying limp and relaxed as you make each thrust. Anonymous: it will be a lot of fun of slapping those big tits together. even more so, pinching those nipples as your hips are thrusting up and down that you make yourself love how it feels. getting cock deep in you and your breast abused sensually. You will moan and you will come. Me: it would feel so good to come with a man thrusting in and out of me as he roughly squeezes my nipples Anonymous: i can just picture as the wetness rolls down from the cock and you are still clamped to that cock fucking it like it’s your birth right. those big tits will feel amazing play with them like that as you lose control of yourself and feel like you can’t take it. then tease you by sucking on your nipples only to grab you again by your hips and really fuck you so hard that those breast jump like crazy. Me: only with a man like you deep inside my ass or rubbing my clit will make me truly scream and moan like a crazy woman. i haven’t had it in so long. i don’t even know what i sound like coming during sex. I know what i sound like faking it. Anonymous: oh that means then i might have to put you on your back, push your legs apart. I will slap my hard cock against your clit, get you all wet and ready. then in one single thrust ram my cock into your pussy then push inside of you so good that your big tits slap you and you feel it pushing hard into your stomach. i won’t stop at all. i want your juices to flow out of you and touch your ass, i will hear you moan and scream for me. you are going to rub your clit for me talking to me, then as you build it so much, you can’t hide it anymore. you will cum for me like you mean it. after that, you can bet that i am going to flip you over and take your asshole. i plan to make it all mine, for myself. Me: you’ll be amazed how wet my pussy gets. my lover of twelve years made me fuck on the floor because i soaked his bed. we had dirty floor sex so much my face buried in carpet makes me think of fucking. but no my asshole belongs to you. it is your asshole to penetrate and stretch. it is so tight. it will be like splitting me open with your huge cock ramming into me Anonymous: it will be a lot of fun, hearing you catching your breath as i thrust into you so hard that you will scream but no sound comes out. i will enjoy how good and tight you feel the harder i fuck you the more you give it to me. the scent of your wet pussy will be all over the room, it will be divine. to watch you clench your fist as you feel the first wave of cumming hit you and i won’t stop thrusting, i want you to feel so far in you that your back is hurting but yet you don’t care because you are loving how good you can take me. mmm i can’t wait really. Me: you’ll love the way my pussy smells. It is like the ocean and strawberries. I live where the strawberries grow. i don’t know what it feels like to cum from fucking. I do clench the sheets and the pillow. I moan hard and fast. From my belly button to my knees I am covered in slippery pussy juice. I would love a cock that made my back feel a stabbing pain. I would work past the pain and go into complete immersion into the sensation of being your little whore and screaming out your name as you make me cum. Our bodies will be so wet from my pussy you will hear our bellies, hips and more slap against each other. you will slide all over me like my body is a water park Anonymous: I can already imagine the taste of your pussy warm and sweet in my mouth. I could three finger fuck your pussy and lick your clit to make you cum, but I’m not going to give up that easily I will make You take and scream as it intensifies and you can’t take it. Your pussy clamps onto my fingers and you’re dripping very much. Once ready I will fuck you like the dirty whore that you are and feel how well you lubed yourself for me. Me: With your fingers deep inside me you must promise to try and find my g-spot. My fingers are two small and i can’t reach the concave wall of my pussy. You could. I imagine you find that rough patch of skin that feels bumpy like a tongue. i imagine you stroking it and rubbing it so hard I flood your mouth with true squirting that leaves your whole face smothered in my cum. You could do that with just your hand. Licking my clit you can drive me insane. you can make me beg and plead for you not to stop with my thighs pressed against your shoulder as you drown in my wet pussy. you will feel me writhe beneath you as i bear down and let you lick me hard and fast until i scream. then i want you inside me. you’ll know your little whore got wet for you. i will cover you with my juices Anonymous: you love being that naughty whore that gets fucked and punished for the way you have been. You are making me want to fuck you right now, just drop you and rip your clothes and fuck you raw. make you take my long tongue deep inside your pussy, just as you feel me pull out i ram three fingers inside of you that you feel like It’s going to be ripped open and you can’t help it but love how you are being stretched by simply finger fucking your pussy and you are too horny to say no. mmmm yes, i could use my tongue or i could use my other hand to rub that clit so hard that you become a devoted slut and beg for mercy yet you want to cum already. I want you to cum right now for me, show me what you really are? you are being very very bad right now young lady. He sends me a picture: Imagine that tongue licking your clit. Me: I am a bad dirty girl. You have no idea. I see your huge thick tongue. I know it will fuck my pussy with more f***e than I can with three tiny fingers. You will push it in and a torrent of juices will flow into your mouth. You will be able to taste an entire gulp of me even before I cum. I will make you swallow just to be able to keep licking me. Still me: first you must start out gentle like you are tease licking a lollipop. Then when those fingers go inside me you will feel my hips start clenching and my ass rising and falling to the ground .You can lick me hard and steady then. I will be moaning for you not to stop. With both of my hands I will be playing with my nipples. I will be pushing your head even deeper between my legs. You will see me spread apart with my clit so engorged it feels like a plum in your mouth. It’s just waiting to be ripped apart so the juices can cover your face. Then when i am so exhausted from cumming i want you to ram my pussy and fuck me so hard that I scream and curse like someone is killing me. I want to feel your huge cock tearing me wide open. I moan for more Me again: I want you so bad the writer in me wants to post this conversation word for word on my xhamster blog. I will leave you anonymous. I won’t reveal your identity for love or money. But if you won’t allow it then I understand. i will just try to put it in my own words. but I’m so impressed by your talent I want to record it to make other men jealous and whack off reading our dirty fantasy. Will you be anonymous for me. I’m turned on and I want to write about it. I want to copy it word for word Anonymous: mmmm now, you are being a very dirty lil slut. you love that type of punishment you are receiving. slowly tame your clit to get it all wet and that your hips are trying to push up and grind hard into my mouth. I notice it immediately that I slap your ass only to see that you get wetter the naughtier I treat you, I plan to make you misbehave the second I push three fingers inside your pussy that you can’t say a word any longer . just feel how your clit gets eaten and you get finger fucked that you leave my knuckles covered in your juices. More anonymous: I want to have you cum like that, i want to abuse your pussy softly and dirty. Then when i see that you are wet beyond control … I will own your pussy and make it all mine. I want to see how much dirty fucking you can take. In one single thrust my cock will be so deep in that pussy that your big tits will slap your face. I will make sure to fuck you very bad that. You beg as I pound you hard. Anonymous: sure, use this conversation. Let’s see what they do to you. Me: thank you so much baby. It means so much to me. I do hope when you are fucking me with three fingers while you lick my clit that you slide a finger deep in my ass. I need to be stretched out. I need you with your whole hand working all my holes. Stretching and making me moan in pain and pleasure. I won’t even feel the pain as you penetrate my ass when I have fingers rubbing against my g-spot. and a tongue softly then maliciously lapping at my clit. When you make me cum you will feel my deep muscles spasm as the juices gushes out of me in waves. Me still: Then I want you to ram me so hard I scream out in shock. I want to feel you nearly breaking me with thrust so deep all i can do is clutch your shoulder with both hand. I may bite into your shoulder. With my mouth sucking and gripping you on your collar bone so I don’t maim your neck with big bold hickies. i will only leave marks that a shirt can cover. But I long to lick the juices from my pussy that have covered your mouth, chin and neck. Anonymous: Oh great, the guys choose the worse time to show up to my house. We are headed to band practice. I’m so sorry. Hope you behave if not then I might have to fix that later when I come back home Me: I’m yours to correct and discipline. I obey orders. Sometimes I disobey just for the punishment linmarris 10 days ago littlewanker i went to sleep before i could blast you for dismissing me in 24 hours twice. I have no nice words for you anymore. I just wanted a little fun during a hard time and you bailed. I don’t get it. I loathe people who switch on me when I go to sleep. I wake up to a person reversing their position towards me all the time. you failed me twice. it won’t happen again. Reply in reply to littlewanker (Show the comment) littlewan… 1 month ago Finally a few nice words for your 24hr master, I will be watching your profile in the future with great interest, be good to yourself and others….. Reply in reply to linmarris (Show the comment) linmarris 1 month ago memories. oh sweet littlewanker you could only control my asshole 24. but i still love you anywy Reply in reply to littlewanker (Show the comment) littlewan… 1 month ago I will eventually take 100% ownership of your asshole Linda, if you do not submit to me tonight, I will keep trying until you do, do not resist sweetie, I will be gentle Reply linmarris 1 month ago I’ll tell you what i just told another man that commented. by the way i decided to respond to all the comments I’ve received. that is more important than tackling pm’s. anonymous wants me to use his name. he is homero. He hasn’t contacted me in days and it makes me sad. I was hoping he would be good dependable fun. if you want to letter fuck all you have to do is send me a comment on my page or in a new post. i will move us into pm and we can exchange fantasies. if it is good enough I hope you will let me post it like homero did Reply in reply to muziq (Show the comment) linmarris 1 month ago well he hasn’t contacted me in a few days. I was hoping he would be good intimate near daily correspondence. after all I did give up ownership to my asshole. you would be surprised how many times men have a 48 hour fascination with me and drop me with no explanation. It happens so often it doesn’t hurt anymore. He truly had exclusive rights to 99 percent of my sexuality. but if i don’t get contacted regularly and often I quickly move on. I do not mourn my losses. too many men want to play. if you want a round of serious letter fucking send me your first description of what you want to do with me in a page comment or a comment on a new post. I will move us into pm and we can letter fuck hard. If it is good enough I hope you will let me post it like anonymous did. he was kind of offended i didn’t use his name. for the record he is homero. It’s been days since he contacted me so your not the only man I’ve hit up for a fresh game of letter fucking Reply in reply to littlewanker (Show the comment) linmarris 1 month ago 24 hours I really am going all the way back to reply to all comments. it’s taking me hours but it is well worth it. i can’t thank you enough for reading my blog. all i can say is when i do go back to skype i will be ready to reward you in many ways. Reply linmarris 1 month ago thank you my dear. i really am going all the way back to reply to each comment. it’s taking me all night but it needs to get done. im hoping im not too tired when i finish. i feel a bit naughty and i’d love to write something super sexual before bed Reply in reply to jmossimo (Show the comment) jmossimo 1 month ago Oh god I have to read this all later when I can fully enjoy it 😉 Reply 24-hours 1 month ago =) Very nice.. i will wait new posts. Reply littlewan… 1 month ago mmmmmm……would love to own your asshole like Anonymous Reply muziq 1 month ago wow Reply tinkugupt… 1 month ago nice………… Reply

linmarris

censorship on a porn site

I was shocked by how many words got blocked on my xhamster blog. I understand why. At the same time I am glad that I can write blogs without guessing the meaning of the bleeped out word. I’m curious to see how hard I can push it. The first bleeped out word made me laugh. I use it all the time. Thank god facebook doesn’t bleep it. I wonder if hamster blocks out the word fuck. Because how can they bleep out the word fucking if they expect to let people talk about it.No, my naughty phrase was not ‘I fucked the boys.’ It’s a word usually meant to describe a woman who is taken advantage of by a sexual predator. I’ve had it happen. It’s also slang for taking advantage of someone in a demeaning sexual way. I write letters so long like they feel emotionally bleeped. I won’t let them star the word over and over. I scream all the time that some situations make me feel like I have a dick in my ass. Some of my best stories involve almost bleep incidents. But if you could use the word there is too much possibility it will be abused.The second word was what you describe as not legal. It came naturally to discuss that the nature of my early work as a teen was not an authorized activity. In that time you could begin work at f******n. But you weren’t allowed forty plus hours a week with no breaks. Another word that was bleeped out included some point when I used the word to bleep. It means a substance you take in your body to alter physical or emotional feelings. I’d like to see if xham can bleep out that whole sentence.The final word they blocked pissed me off. I was discussing my plan to have a forest full of creatures with pigs, cows and chickens. I couldn’t use the word bleep. George orwell wrote a classic book called bleep farm. It was all about the dynamics of global politics by barnyard creatures. You never forget reading bleep farm. I feel girls who want to write about kittens. They will feel soul crushed they can’t talk about their many beloved bleeps. So how far will xhamster let me push it. Can I talk about my fat, thick pink pussy. Can I discuss having my clit licked. Because I don’t want to do this if too many words are prohibited. I like to think on a porn site I can talk about how I like to get fucked. I don’t want to talk about kittens. I want to go into graphic detail. My whole attitude changed after I read those words bleeped out. I can’t tell the truth. Most of my sexual experiences involved having the mind of a very young teen. I can’t write about it because I guarantee the site would bleep out any number below 18 I list as my age. They will ban the whole blog. It would’ve been fun to describe the exploits I had when I was the age they really happened. So much happened in my young teens. But at the same time it is forbidden to talk about substance abuse, sexual misconduct, and the word bleep. I can talk about creatures. But the word to describe that famous book is bleeped. I must go. My cousin Ashley is coming over. We plan to bond as f****y for the second time as grown women. We will probably be shitfaced. I have to clean. I want to just keep writing about sex and censorship. This blog is going to be so pg 13 depending on if they bleep out anymore words. I can’t take it if they do. Next blog I’ll discuss what I look for in a man. I’ll tell you what I think is sexy. How I liked to be fucked. The way a man can really make me wet. How music is linked to my sexual fantasies. I’ll talk about stuff I learned bullshitting with my cousin. I screened most of the messages I got. Seriously, if you want my attention leave a blog comment. I will be able to keep track of those. Most people don’t like to read. I cater to men and women that do read and share their own opinion. I like to be a place where a person can share their secrets after I share mine. I’m curious how this is going to work. A lot of my fantasies involve v******e and kinky sex. I was hoping this would be the place to share them. I’m playing this smart. You have heard my confession that I had a lot of young sexual activity. Each sex story I include from school will be a lie. I will always say all of my sexual exploits occurred from the month I turned eighteen until I graduated. In reality that was a very grim sex free part of life. To write this blog it has to be the free window I use to describe young sexual activity. Many stories will be fictionalized to occur in college instead of high school. I will bust myself at the beginning that these stories will be fiction based on fact. It has to be that way or it will get bleeped out. Really I was rather innocent. At the same time I was wicked. I don’t dare write the devious tales of a young teen whore. I will pretend it all happened after my birthday or in college. I will play around with elements of erotica. It will be enhanced for your pleasure. The boy in Italy was wrong. Sure not every man will read this blog. It is much easier to watch tv. But some men want inside a woman’s mind. I split mine wide open and point out each memory. I will try to keep it short and manageable. I make no promises. linmarris Post Comment linmarris 10 days ago giggle. violence is when you hurt someone else. I can say anal, cunt, slit, twat, and more. I can’t talk about taking a piss or going to sleep. I kind of love it. I don’t know why but it makes me smile. I don’t even know if I can describe violence as ‘beating someone’s ass’ so far my favorite censorship is when I tried to talk about a building in new york. skyscraper is bleeped. giggle. i don’t know if you can say dog, cat, chicken, cow, sheep, or shit. this is a test. Reply in reply to bigsquirter69 (Show the comment) bigsquirt… 19 days ago Damn censorship on an adult site…what was “v******e”? I can see protecting themselves from allowing posts that would pertain to illegal behavior, but censoring letters in one word certainly doesn’t do that. I’ve read to many other posts here that go way beyond anything you have written. Reply linmarris 1 month ago I decided yesterday that instead of tackling a never ending list of pm’s I can’t complete that i should reply to any comment I receive. Yours makes me giggle. I don’t know if ‘damn the man’ is encouragement or criticism. I will only say my writing is my way of saying ‘damn the man’ on a daily basis Reply in reply to taboo_daddy (Show the comment) linmarris 1 month ago It hit me yesterday that rather than tackle a list of pm’s I can’t finish it is more important to reply to any comment i received. I went back to blog one and I’m correcting my mistake. As a writer the people who give me a comment deserve a thank you. Without encouragement I hesitate to write. I love doing it so much. At the same time if I don’t get feedback it feels futile. A comment like this is priceless. It is a gift and I feel like christmas. Reply in reply to steamingballs69 (Show the comment) linmarris 1 month ago awe. perfect is a word that makes me blush. I realized yesterday how important it is to reply to any comment I receive. I went back to the first blog and responded to each one. It’s more important to thank the people who give me feedback than to tackle pm’s I can’t complete. thank you Reply in reply to deepbluesea1 (Show the comment) linmarris 1 month ago I haven’t had the time to describe my own fantasies. I will get there. I never know where I will go each night I sit down to write. In many ways each post offers a glimpse of what turns me on. you get more clues that I’m deviant. I have a kinky streak. It will be explored. I promise Reply in reply to denis32 (Show the comment) linmarris 1 month ago i apologize i decided instead of tacking pm’s that i can never complete i need to reply to each comment i receive. At first i was going to pretend like I was eighteen. It happened spontaneously in a blog where I described my early exploits. I decided to go real. I use my real age. I don’t think it’s off-limits. It worried me at first. But being real is my focus. I use my real age and it gets bleeped out. part of my story is young sexual exploits. It’s not child porn. In most situations it doesn’t involve sex just foreplay. I have lost my fear of being off-limits. I decided to do this right and just let my age get bleeped Reply in reply to jmossimo (Show the comment) linmarris 1 month ago thank you dim jandy. I have already explained how i should’ve replied to each comment when I received it. I’m fixing my mistake and going back to every single comment with a reply. I’ve been writing a blog a long time. I try to use good imagery. so thank you for complimenting that skill Reply in reply to DimJandy (Show the comment) DimJandy 1 month ago But some men want inside a woman’s mind. I split mine wide open and point out each memory.” Great imagery 😉 Reply jmossimo 1 month ago I think for writing your stories, it would be possible to write them at the age of college ( freshman, senior), but have a disclaimer that it actually happened in high school Reply denis32 1 month ago Wonderful can’t wait to hear about everything you like and how you like it Reply deepblues… 1 month ago Another perfect blog post! Reply steamingb… 1 month ago Loving your blogs,keep up the good work.Interesting & fun stuff combined ;* Reply taboo_daddy 1 month ago Damn The Man!

The opening for my first xham blog

As a writer it only makes sense for me to maintain an xhamster blog. I have left comments on my page that should’ve been blogs. I’m still new to this forum. I’m still figuring out the details. I’ll start by describing myself. I’m not your average girl. I’m severely bi-polar. I can’t work a normal job. The medicine i take leaves me tranquilized, spun out or in a state of anxiety. I was in nursing school. i had two major deaths happen two weeks a part. I left knowing I would never return. i’m too sensitive to be a nurse. i get emotional and the state of healthcare in america is a sad joke. Since i left my body has changed. i was around 200 pounds. That was too much weight for my petite frame. i’m only five foot three. i have tiny features. i just have enormous large real tits. Through good nutrition i lost fifty pounds. i still have a belly. it is shrinking. many men i talk to beg me not to lose anymore weight.Thanks to sites like xhamster i learned a lot of men like a curvy chick that isn’t just skin and bones. I’m still dedicated to good nutrition. i may keep shrinking now that i know it is an asset to be considered a bbw. If i could work a normal job i would probably be a waitress. or i would go back into the industry of dry cleaning. i was working at various dry cleaners for nearly a decade. i like hard labor. unfortunately, to pay for a private shrink i have to think about money and do it fast. in the long run i hope to be a success from art and writing.however, im not stupid. i know being a camwhore means fast, easy cash that won’t affect my ability to skip days i can’t work. I know a lot of camwhores do it just for the money. i’m different. i do it for fun. i love getting men off. As a juvenile delinquent i had no phone curfew and i mastered free phone sex. Going on cam is just like returning to my past. i get a rush better than an orgasm when i get a man off. Making money is just an added bonus and thrill. I’m really looking for friends. I don’t know many people in real life. Everyone left my small rural town. I know very few people. I have facebook friends i barely know. my good friends don’t read my blog. it is too long. it’s like a novella that is constantly being replaced. i joke with boys i meet that i letter **** them. it’s a running joke to get hit someone with one of my letters and only get the comment how do you write so much? No one cares about the content. They care about the length. This blog won’t only be sexual. Sometimes it will just be a hilarious rant. one man in italy commented that no one would read it. he was firm belief men just care about tits and pussy. i think he is wrong. i bet a lot of men wished women would keep a blog like i do. instead of seeing my gaping pussy hole you get to go inside of my mind. it is easy to be spread like a pussy or an asshole. Being spread intellectually is different. i will talk about issues that cause humilation,, rage and desire. I won’t fuck around and talk about my trip to starbucks. I will discuss the day i got stood up with a high school lover at a starbucks. it was about an emotional day and a sex story. i will only say the high light was when i got a frog stuck on my hand and nearly wrecked the car. i have lots of stories to tell. i don’t know if anyone will read them. i’m curious to find out if i found the perfect audience to enjoy my sex exploits and failures. I don’t run out of things to remember or fantasize about. this will be the explicit diary of a girl who misbehaves. i will try to make it good. i won’t do wishy washy stuff. i’ll talk about the good parts. I’ll tell you the best stories. i will honestly write about the way i felt and what i did. ask me questions or give me feedback. i could answer questions all day and love it. nothing is off limits. i have misbehaved since 13 and i remember the details. i can tell you stories about my past and why some men call me a slut but a lot of men call me a blue-balling cocktease. I have stories about abuse and fighting back. i broke a lot of laws. i was a victim. i was a grown woman when i became 14. i*****lly i worked six days a week at a restaurant. i could tell you about hiding deviant friends from your academic friends in the accelerated program. i could tell you about being absent once a week. i can tell you the plays i starred in or the musicals i directed. All the stories involve sex. i can be more graphic here. i can go into detailed vivid descriptions. i wrote a long attempt at fiction that began with a hot chick and a substitute teacher. then i put a long effort into writing my own secret sex fantasy in a short post. my c***dhood friend became a preacher. she admitted to reading tons of erotica. she critiqued me so hard. she was snide and said i weaved in and out of tenses. she said i needed an editor terribly and apologized she didn’t have the time. i never attempted fiction again. i write in the stream of conscious style. i don’t think and plan. i have a long story to tell about a river i used to swim. Writing for me is just like moving with a current and barely swimming at all. you just guide yourself past obstacles like trees, rocks and seaweed. Sometimes the river is too shallow. Some years it covers private docks and is too dangerous to swim. i know i lose a lot of potential readers because most people are already thinking this is a damn long blog. you have no idea what a long blog is really like. This is just an introduction paragraph. It depends on what kind of feedback i get where this blog will go. it could just be sexual. it could become my most intimate memoirs. it could become a place to write fiction again. Of course i need an editor. I just write for the****utic passion. i could care less about good grammar. i hate breaking for ‘paragraphs.’ when i write they will all be one continuous block i simply only make into paragraphs to make it easier to read when i letter **** it is an insanely large blog of writing with no breaks. my writing has a style like my art. fuck what other people think. This is a selfish act. if it never gets read i still have the adrenalin rush from writing it. it is more fun when i get feedback. i do love writing erotica. i will take special requests. i will answer personal questions in depth. i will tell my sex stories even though i don’t have many. i will discuss being bi-polar. i will explain alopecia and why i wear wigs. There is pretty much no way to offend me. one guy this morning managed. he actually asked me if i would have a threesome with him and his mother. he even offered to fly to me. i blocked him of course after a fierce reprimand for being the creepiest dude i’ve encountered on xhamster. if you want to get my attention about a blog then post a comment not a personal message. i’m always behind answering them. if you have sent me one send a new messages to come back on a page ill still catch. i know most men will look at my face and videos and move on. some men are looking for a woman like me. i am an artist and a writer. my new friend homero shocked me when his favorite pieces of my art hit on all my passions at once. We spent the whole night chatting and i later ****d him. he enjoyed meeting a genuine articulate chick on this site. some men want pussy and tits. i have them both and they are amazing. What i offer is something more. True contact with an honest chick that tells stories and does it well. it may not be for every guy. i only need a few men or women to enjoy my writing fact or fiction. i will do it even if they don’t. i will always admit it is a selfish act. Like most blogs feel no guilt if you miss some. i write a lot. it’s nearly impossible to follow me without loosing too much time. if you have time on your hands then i aim to please. it is my d**g of choice. That was the fun of going live the two nights i performed live. men asked me what i liked sexually. i got off telling them what i wanted. i knew it was good enough to write down when i said it. i can’t remember it was all improvised acting. in school that was one of my hidden talents. my teacher was lazy and we rarely played games involving improved acting. we did improve games when we were being supervised by principles. i had fun with it. i was good. going live has that same real fast action response. it’s easy. you just have no memory of what you said. i wish i had a working recorder with audio in synch. then i could just try to give the same improvised speech about what i like in men. so that was my introduction. Blog number one. i’m going to try and reclaim an old way i titled blogs. i chose three words or phrases that started with the same level. it eats time but some things like an introduction blog deserve the effort. Now that you know me better i will write a truly sexual blog about what qualities i like in a man. i will explain what im looking for. i will talk about the funny trip to become a camwhore. I’ll took about how i intend to do things differently. i will ask for advice. don’t think im one of those girls that will draw you in, give you pleasure and then give you a sob story to send her money because of an ’emergency.’ i don’t scam men. i would go starving in the street before i would solicit money. i intend to be legit service for pleasure received. just because i except tokens doesn’t mean most of the show is free for friends. i am doing this for friends to get off. new men are just having to compete with old friends and men who dominate a live show. some men enter my inner circle. sometimes we don’t have cam sex. most men wait until the time is right for both of us when they become a creature in my forest. My pasture land is getting cleared and fenced. i’m just not ready to let in the barn a****ls yet. i need some damn cows, pig and goats. i will embrace the men who are only interested in sex. This is george orwell’s a****l Farm. life will be a struggle to juggle a forest and a pasture. i think about my economic crises and realize i have to make sacrifices. i still don’t know if i’ll do a ahow tonight. maybe it is time for a break. if you want more writing leave a comment. if you want to tell me the dude that says men are only interested in ass and pussy then tell me. iceman1973 8 days ago Yes you do write a lot, but it keeps my attention. I will admit I am playing catchup so I will try to read a blog every time I log in. So far I like what you have to say. I am not a reader so this is a first for me. Keep it up and I will be here for you to pick my brain with your thoughts. I am into some kinky shit so that alone will keep my attention! Once again thanks for sharing! Reply linmarris 10 days ago Today i got my medicine and i am going back through each blog to reply to any comment I have received. In many ways this is my favorite activity. People don’t understand how long and intense this blog will be. Not many people will start here and get the full story. I will always scroll all the way back to check for men like you who start at page one. I know we have chatted and I think of you as my lion because of your profile pic. I know I probably have a pm message from you as well. I will get to them all eventually. A lot of men will like this blog because it’s sexual. Men like you want me to go beyond sex. I am an open book. I’m a book always in transition. But damn I am determined to reply to each comment. I don’t care about picture comments. I care about my goddamn blog. There is a method to my madness. I am an artist. I am going to launch myself worldwide. Not many artist also write a daily journal. I can be the woman behind the artwork. I am working towards being a woman compared to anais nin. That is why I write. That is why I don’t write fiction. Real life is better than fiction. Thank you my lion. Reply in reply to bigsquirter69 (Show the comment) bigsquirt… 19 days ago Very open and informative. I love how you say what you feel. I am looking forward to reading more and diving even further in. Reply linmarris 1 month ago thank you Reply in reply to helsingxxx (Show the comment) linmarris 1 month ago ill be back to skype soon Reply in reply to 24-hours (Show the comment) helsingxxx 1 month ago well i’ve it and i like it but girl that long but well written 😛 hihihihih yea i saw it. and i will wait 😉 Reply in reply to linmarris (Show the comment) linmarris 1 month ago 24 hours i just sent you a skype message explaining what’s happening in my life. i realized i needed to stop trying to tackle pm’s and focus on replying to any comment I receive. that’s how I will now function. i should’ve sent this message the day I received it. Reply in reply to 24-hours (Show the comment) linmarris 1 month ago denis32 I think i’ve already responded to one of your comments. I decided to do this right and go back to the first post and respond to all the comments I received. That is my new style. I am genuine and unique. I’ve been told more than once by a man that they have never seen another woman like me on xhamster. That was before I launched a blog. Now it is a true statement. My blog will always take center stage. sure i soon hope to have better nude photos and pics. but to get my full attention you have to read. Reply in reply to denis32 (Show the comment) linmarris 1 month ago It hit me yesterday that instead of focusing on a list of pm’s i can never complete I need to reply to any comment I receive. I should have sent this message the day I received it. Let’s letter fuck baby. I love to do it. we can talk about anything. we can write strict raunchy erotica. I’m up for both things. To begin don’t send me a pm. I’m too backed up. Pick a newer post and write me a letter. I will move us into a pm so we can work without clogging up a blog with too many comments. If we letter fuck well enough I hope you will allow me to post it. I love to share good moments when I letter fuck. those are my favorite kind of posts Reply in reply to eatmorepussy (Show the comment) linmarris 1 month ago It hit me yesterday rather than tackle a list of pm’s i can’t complete I should reply to any comment I recieve. i should’ve wrote this the day I read it. I hope you will forgive me. As a complex woman I am always going to be a lot to take in. I can’t promise you an easy fluffy always sexual blog. I can promise you a real blog which is hard to find. I know. I’ve looked for people like me. We are rare. Rather than look for my equivalent I focus my time on building my skills. I hope to grow and get better. I hope I am always worth the read. If I am failing please give me honest criticism Reply in reply to shutdowncorner (Show the comment) linmarris 1 month ago My blog will be a very vivid account of my life. i realized yesterday that instead of focusing on pm’s I can’t complete I need to reply to any comment I receive especially on a blog. I apologize. I should’ve sent you this reply the first day I read it. I hope I continue to earn your readership Reply in reply to tabris667 (Show the comment) linmarris 1 month ago im so sorry it took me so long to respond. it hit me yesterday that I need to reply to any comment I receive rather than focusing on the never ending pm’s i can’t complete. i’ve been blogging a long time. my style did develop into a bare bones graphic account of my life. I spent yesterday ending my experience blogging on facebook. this is my new forum. It will be sexual and personal. As my forum it must be both. I will be honest and I will go in depth. I have to watch out for my tendency to write too much. i get criticism for length. If I do this right I have to make numerous short and graphic post and focus on thanking people who read it. Reply in reply to littlewanker (Show the comment) linmarris 1 month ago thank you so much. it hit me yesterday that instead of tackling an neverending list of pm’s i should respond to any comment i receive. especially on my blog. I should’ve used the blog option from day one. I should’ve sent you this message the next day after you sent it. im learning. youre right. this is a way to find real true men. men who will read. men who want a woman with a beautiful mind more than a beautiful body. I know I have to make a lot of my writing sexual. at the same time I love writing erotica. it won’t be hard to keep it coming. i said goodbye to facebook. this is my new forum for writing. some post will get little feedback because they are not sexual. it doesn’t matter. as a writer I discuss what is on my mind and I record it in the hopes I can read it later in life or possibly use it all to truly have a weird assortment of blogs that are published. i write to get better. as my blog adapts my skills get stronger. real men will watch me become really good at doing something really special. the men who just look at nude pics are missing the good shit. you have to be willing to read to capture my attention. just like you did Reply in reply to robj7676 (Show the comment) linmarris 1 month ago It hit me the other day that instead of fighting a never ending list of pm’s my true focus should be responding to any comment i receive. especially on my blog. I am so glad you enjoyed my first post. i hope i can keep up the good work and maintain your readership. im sorry i didn’t reply from day one. from now on any comment will get a response Reply in reply to jmossimo (Show the comment) linmarris 1 month ago Thank you baby. I learned my curves are a good thing. I am now a really healthy eater. I may lose my belly just because i don’t eat junk food. I lose weight the right way really slowly. a lot of men beg me not to drop weight. if i do it i will lose some of my sex appeal. the only bonus will be that i can finally were really cute sexy clothes. i have an odd shape and it’s so hard to find cute clothes that fit. Reply in reply to divedog1960 (Show the comment) linmarris 1 month ago I have tried other blog sites. I just didn’t fit in. Most of the problem is that I focused to much on facebook that copy and pasting to other sites was a pain in my ass. Also i rarely got feedback. this is the first place ive received good honest feedback. people here are open minded. my writing style is too graphic for a lot of people to handle. a porn site is perfect. I know it will be an odd assortment of sex and personal information. I can juggle both. writing is my passion and I think I will grow into a better writer with good feedback which I desire. also from now on i will respond to any comment i get. i can’t go all the way to the start and hit each one but i wanted to answer your question Reply in reply to DimJandy (Show the comment) DimJandy 1 month ago Please keep writing. You have a passion for it. I can tell if you didn’t write it the energy out of you, it might come out in ways you don’t want. What about a blog website? Can you have one that’s anonymous enough to shield you from your fxxxly? Hah! Typing x’s instead of ami is kinda weird indeed. Reply divedog1960 1 month ago ass and pussy is great.. I luv big tits.. but a story can be at times the best.. because the human mind is our largest sex organ.. well for some of us..lol.. thanks for the blog and keep writing.. by the way I like your looks.. so don’t go to skinny.. but if you do go real skinny… I still want to ogle over your photos..lol Reply jmossimo 1 month ago I’m really glad I took the time to read that. It was worth seeing who is on my friends list Reply robj7676 1 month ago Solid start to you hamster blog. You will find the real true men while writing these. Reply littlewan… 1 month ago I like your stripped to the bone honesty in this blog, it is difficult to find a genuine, honest woman amongst all the bullshitter’s on this site Reply tinkugupt. 1 month ago Too long..lll Reply shutdownc… 1 month ago a lot to take in but worth the read Reply eatmorepu… 1 month ago Would love to Letter Fuck with you, Mr Italiano is incorrecto. Reply denis32 1 month ago I will read any post you write you seem like a genuine person and that is great Reply 24-hours

linmarris

mean girls and spitballs

I just wrote an ungodly intense blog about the crucible and so much about my life. I saved in on a file and it’s gone. Loosing that blog leaves me near tears. I don’t think I can repeat it. I don’t think I can come close. I know I can’t, but, I’m going to try to share a piece of what I wrote all night. Maybe it was meant to be simplified. Maybe I went to deep. It wasn’t meant to be written the way I wrote it. God has his reasons. This is the lesson to keep things simple.

My experience in drama began in a portable in seventh grade. It was all girls. We were a mixture of gifted girls blended with the normal population. Our teacher was a dick. We all united in rebellion against him. Except for kim ward. She picked the wrong elective. She was such a girl that decorated her ponytail with a ribbon. That ribbon reminds me of the red waist scarves women in 1984 wore to promote purity and abstinence. I don’t remember what other misfits were in that class. I just remember me, angie and kim archie. We formed a triad of mischief. Mostly we tormented kim ward.

We refused to play the whole lets learn stage directions and bullshit of an intro to drama class. We painted our nails. We talked over the teacher. I think I even remember reaching into the realm of spitballs aimed at kim ward’s fucking ribbon hair and the ceiling. The whole class pretty much told the teacher to fuck off and leave us alone. Kim ward licked his ass. He decided to bring us to the shitty little stage and make us put on a play. He really was an ignorant man. He tried to make a group of deviant 13 year old girls perform ‘a christmas carol’ That was something we declared hysterical. He picked a lame play with no female characters. It wasn’t even christmas.

Nearly every day someone made kim ward cry. He would get angry and pace furiously. Huge mistake because he had a gimp leg and watching him limp in fury was like giving us candy. If kim wasn’t watching we all snuck behind a curtain to mimick his angry limp. It was entertaining to see which one of us nailed the motion of the limp the best. You had to do it frantically pacing in fury. You had to mock him while saying things like ‘why do you mean girls torment kim’ She’d take a spitball to the face and start the waterworks and he would start his angry limp.

I was different. He made us read pieces of plays in class. I had fun with it. I realized I love reading out loud. I love changing my tone and vocal variations to express emotion. He had ambition to force us all to dress as men and talk about poor timmie, his crutches, and a turkey. I have no memories of ‘a christmas carol’ I blocked it out. Maybe the crippled wasn’t named timmie, maybe he got a ham. I refuse to research it like I would if I didn’t just loose an epic manifesto. I was still loving life a fat dork. But, something I can’t explain happened when I read that script. One think makes or breaks your effort to perform a play. projection. I worked with a lot of girls that couldn’t do it. They would start yelling and slip into a whisper. I watched it happen so many times.

It’s a skill I tried to teach underclassman I liked. I can’t teach that skill. It involves reaching deep down and speaking loud enough to be projected all the way to the back row. Some girls can achieve the volume it takes to fill an auditorium but you can see them fighting to maintain it. It’s a skill you need to be on stage. It’s got to be something that comes naturally and appears effortless, despite deep breathing. I never tried to do it till I had the script in my hand. Something happened for me that seemed miraculous when you consider I thought I was insane and I was hallucinating shit. When I spoke, I projected.

I know God gives people certain gifts. He gave me a voice. In seventh grade, I was determined I was not going to be special. I didn’t look special. I didn’t act special. I truly was at the peak of no confidence. For the love of God I was manifesting hives and possibly a smell like colon cancer. I didn’t have high hopes for myself. I changed with even a shitty script in my hand. I played ebenezer scrooge with a distinct persona, I played every other character. I was the only one who would stand there and read the damn script. He declared me to have half the roles in the play and some twat like kim ward whispered the other half. I played a long with ‘a christmas carol’ because I was learning how to use this mystery voice that I somehow possessed. I can’t sing. I speak in whispers. I was puzzled that I had no difficulty filling an an auditorium with loud, clear, distinct changes in my voice.

I would’ve read that script the whole hour every day. I knew that for some reason, I could act. I may see things moving outside my field of vision, but I could make a room resonate. It felt natural. That’s why I can’t teach people to project. I do it so easily, I can’t explain how it happens. It’s just something I can do. I know how to reach inside my self and fill a room with my voice. We never did the play. We practiced at the high school and in seventh grade I feel in love with the auditorium and that fucking stage. I knew what elective I would pursue.

My mom declared that I couldn’t be in band. She said she refused to raise a daughter that was forced to be a band geek. I was prepared to follow her footsteps and play the clarinet. That was like telling her I was going to grow up and decide to be a whore outside a gas station on mcintosh road. I wasn’t allowed to wear a garter belt. She taught me how to pick out sexy sweater tops from the sixties that unbutton to your desired level of whore for the day. She told me she had no regrets for turning down buddy johnson because he was a dork. She picked my dad because he was bad. And my momma never pretended to care for good boys. She was forced to march with a fucking clarinet. As her daughter I was forbidden the stigma of being a band geek.

Even as an insane seventh grade girl that was a prime example of a fat dork, I knew I had to be pretty if I wanted to use my voice like I did the instant I hit center stage. I also decided getting pretty was a challenge worth achieving. When you project a monologue and you feel it hit the back wall, it feels like flying. Maybe it’s because my world was silent. Learning I could properly project my voice and it could reflect emotion was a talent I felt proud to possess. Nothing ever gave me pride besides being smart. Everyone I knew was smart. This was something I knew could take me places if I could be pretty.

Our seventh grade class revolted so hard that I took a test and wrote an intense manifesto of the reasons he failed us as a teacher. That was the only time I completed a test and taunted the teacher that he was an epic disappointment. That day in the high school auditorium someone hid kim ward’s clothes in the napkin dispenser of the girl bathroom. It was epic. She reacted like she had just been beaten by shovel and the world was ending. The teacher did his most intense limp race back and forth bitching at us for being cruel. I dislike girls that have hysterical moments every day. Yes, we caused those moments in a united class effort. But, it was entertainment. None of us were fessing up to where we hid her clothes. We all knew.

It was teenage female bonding at the expense of a girl that we all considered a rat and an ass licking teacher’s pet. I like most people. I suffer with an underdog. In this situation, she wanted to act uppity around a united group of hardcore bitches. I don’t think she ever got her clothes. I wouldn’t have told her for all the tea in china. Watching her search every possible crevice but the napkin dispenser was so hard to watch without pissing and laughing. For being that mean as a group we lost our chance to butcher ‘a christmas carol.’ He banned us from ever going in another auditorium. He declared the rest of the year would be book work and tests.

Watching the teacher lose his cool so bad and watching kim panic because she was missing a t-shirt was worth it. I took that first test and told him that I didn’t have respect for a teacher that took away my chance to experience what drama is supposed to be. I no longer considered his class relevant. And getting my first F on a report card was worth refusing his onslaught of insults. I let him know he could write it in the grade book that moment. I let him know I played his ‘game’ and I wasn’t going to be punished for a harmless prank. I know I pushed boundaries tearing at his asshole for showing boundless enthusiasm for one student he deemed his favorite.

I know we all refused to look or speak to him. We all laughed at an F in drama. He had no control over his classroom. We still launched spitballs and painted our nails. He broke and went to the principal and disbanded the class. I couldn’t remember why half of that year I remembered tormenting kim ward and ‘a christmas carol’ to suddenly being plunged mid semester into an elective designed to make me break out in hives daily and hallucinate more than before. That particular round of electives was just called ‘the wheel’ It put me in Ag, then it put me in home-ec. It forced me into a classroom with the general population.

Bob Barker and what’s behind the pink towel

There is so much I have to write about now that I’m awake. First of all there is my high school bookbag, amanda oiler’s tits, and a whole realm of discussion about my childhood with Stefanie Keith Clark. I don’t know where I’ll start. I just wrote a personal letter where I confided how I dealt with Tim’s determination to make me into a heffer with his brand on my ass. It was funny. It’s like dragging a violent preteen to detention to get me into a night club. I went for shalini. She was the girl secretly married to my boss’s son at the dry cleaners. We had so much fun together. We were very much alike. We clicked. When she told me that I should go with her out to a club with another girl that used to work there, I tried to make an excuse. She knew all my tricks. She told me I was going. period.

I felt fat, ugly and not the kind of girl that belongs at a club. I was content with my rocking chair. I also wasn’t sure about the girl we were going with. She will always be ‘Bobbi from Iraq’ even though I think she was in afghanistan. She will always be one of the coolest chicks I ever met. She was ninety pounds of sheer muscle. She had a pixie hair-cut. She truly looked like she was part of the domain of faeryland. But, she was a redneck, trailer living, truck driving, trained killing machine. She didn’t go to war as a fucking secretary. That bitch joined the army and she carried her load like an ant hauling around twice it’s weight in cake. She saw combat. She is a veteran. She was also about to head out for another tour of duty.

I knew I would never forget the night when I saw what she was wearing. Holy shit, she was wearing only enough clothes to be legal in public. She had on heels and Her tramp stamp was two hardcore guns crossing that covered half her back. She had spiky hair and dangly earrings. She was also tough as nails. I learned one thing. You don’t fuck with men having a good time before their second trip back into combat. You really really don’t fuck with a women facing the same scenario.

Me and shalini looked alike. We both had on jeans and a dark colored shirt that barely passed as sexy enough for the club. Our partner in crime was dressed to be on the bar. It was funny bobbie was supposed to be our designated driver. Poor shalini, got stuck with the role. I decided if I was going to play with pixie barbie that I was going to play on her level. On the way to the club we hammered a six pack in the car fast enough to put most girls out of commission. Bobbie may have weighed ninety pounds but she held her alcohol better than any dude I’ve encountered. I can drink a lot because of my weight. Being bipolar also gives me a super high tolerance to alcohol that just grows with the years.

Shalini, seemed innocent. You would look at her and assume she was an overachieving kid with some strange foreign blood you couldn’t place. Her dad was from India. Her mom was from kenya. Shalini’s mom was more happy we were going out than we were. We were both a little scared of bobbie. I wouldn’t have gone if I’d known this girl. Some people you have to meet to believe. Working at both dry cleaners because I met shalini and bobbie and so many other hard working friends. I thought bobbie was kind shitty at her job because she fucked up a few things. Then I met her and it was like meeting combat pixie. I’ve partied hard. I’m no angel. That moment when your in a gas station, staring into someone with shell shocked eyes, when you have them too, magic happens. We also knew ‘thank god, this bitch is going to be fun if we just slammed three beers in a five minute drive.’

War changes people. I wonder how different bobbie was before and after war. Her picture was hanging on the wall near my head the whole time I worked there. She was a tiny speck next to a big tank, somewhere I declared Iraq. She’ll always be Bobbie from Iraq to me. I don’t know the proper term for her situation, furlough? I don’t want to be there. There is a reason so many veterans in this generation’s war drink so heavy. That Night, she rattled like a 14 year old. People make fun of my voice. Bobby literally sounded 12 and she had the diction and manners of a combat veteran. It was the coolest combinations. She literally squeaked but some of the things she could talk about were conversations I didn’t want to hear. I didn’t want to hear about her war experience. It freaks me out. You would have to know her and see what a tiny girl she is. I should’ve listened so I could tell her story better. I just remember she would have people captivated by her account and I felt rage that she went through it. I got too angry to listen.

As we pounded beers and she discussed getting laid in the military, my anger turned to pride. It doesn’t matter what size you are. tall or short. Fat or skinny. It only matters what you present to the world. My combat pixie was barely my height at 5’3. But, she walked like she was ten feet tall. That night we started partying in the gas station. We went to channelside because that was supposed to be where you went. I got lucky. Tim never saw my combat pixie. He would’ve fallen to his knees and worshiped her. He would have also forbidden me to go out with her. Me and shalini would’ve been two shy girls at the bar, but not with bobbie. Bobbie didn’t need the club to have a party. Men swarmed her like she was wearing some scent you use to attract dumb men with money. It was funny watching some men try to talk to her. When she told them she was about to go back to the desert for more action she won the type of admiration women dream of.

She should’ve been officially too tiny for warfare. She made it through basic training with the body of a ten year old. Do you even know how much mental strength that must take? The army is lucky to have women like bobbie. I would love to hear some grown man bitch about warfare after they met bobbie. For her she believed in serving her country. Size didn’t matter. Politics of war didn’t matter. She lived for the thrill of knowing she got in the sand and played big boy games. And that’s what men like tim would worship. Pixie girls get real guns just like giant army men. They clean them. They sleep with them. They don’t get a free ride. Being that little she had to constantly prove she had equal merit of soldiers that doubled, nearly tripled her. Plus, she went out there as a woman not destined to be a fuck toy for men that thought she was a pocket pussy. She talked mad shit about women who went whore crazy and fucked their way around men.

She earned her pride the same way I earned mine. We both can’t control the shit that comes flying out of our mouth. Good, bad, memorable, disgusting, it all comes out. It sounds funny coming out of my southern accent. It sounds like solid gold coming out of her tiny mouse squeaks. I don’t have many memories of going to a club to dance. It was just never on my agenda. Me and jenn kerr went a few times.

The night I fucked brent’s roommate, I went to a club with alex, mark, angie. Me and angie had a night you never forget. Alex and mark just stayed next to the bar. That night with angie, I showed maximum cleavage. There is a max. It’s very close to showing nipple. Alex and mark insisted they saw nipple. However, if they did it was just a glimmer of pink from my areola. I was pretty much taped in place for that particular dress. I do remember using alex and mark to get drinks. I was drunk. Then on the way back to brent’s I got pulled over by a usf cop. They loved to be dicksuckers. Despite, being drunk and hauling ass the cop just told me to slow down. I think all four of us were under the impression I showed so much tit I got out of that ticket.

There is a reason alex wanted to hit me so bad the night he told me I was too fat for the men I wanted. He saw me in that dress. I just remember swarms of dudes saying ‘damn, check that shit out,’ It was a steady night of ‘girl can I get your number.’ God’s irony is that the only two boys that witnessed it chose other girl’s in high school. Then when we got back to the apartment everything came together for my wet dream. Dan was officially my dream fuck. When it just comes to sex. He had the body and the strength to catch my attention. He came out of the shower wrapped in a pink towel. My tit’s made him hard for the whole room to see. He just pulled me in his lap.

Alex just sat there and fumed in anger and fury. He probably totaled my bar tab and had the urge to ask me for forty dollars back as his deposit for fucking. As for Dan there is nothing sexier than a bald man with a perfect body that’s wrapped in a pink towel. If the towel hadn’t been pink, alex might’ve had a shot. Nope, brent’s roommate smelled like man soap and he didn’t care if the whole room saw his raging hard on. It was so funny how much alex pretended I didn’t exist if jullynn was around. It’s funny to me that I can’t remember how to spell her damn name. It’s just more irony we share the same name. The first time alex ditched me to go back to jullynn she tried to dress to impress. I’ll never forget it. She tried to do the whole sexy black leather skirt and boots look. I had that feeling of victory that my competition felt like she had to dress like a dominatrix to compete with me. I won his affection in a vintage pink jimmy buffet t-shirt. He used to ask me to where that shirt more often.

However, once he curled around jullynn dressed like a cyber whore I felt my first taste of rejection. He did it over and over. No one knew, but he bounced between us truly making me a mistress. I did it to spite her. I once left a huge hickey on his neck to spite him. It was evil. I don’t know how he lied out of that hickey. He did lecture me like a little girl for not obeying his rules. He very much got his hand under my 1984 coveralls, but trying to make me a secret always results in some since of rejection.

I was only on my second weekend post tim. I can smile and say my body was worth taking a second look at. In that particular dress I didn’t wear panties or a bra. I was supported by a halter top secured by double stick adhesive. Nothing about my body was fat. That point in life, I was at my thinnest. I don’t think I ate solid foods for a month after tim left me and my dad died. That dress is in my cedar wardrobe with my bookback, my converse sneakers and my drama costumes. I think I wore it for a drama event. It was the dress that was crotchet purple shag. Some people may remember the dress. What they remember is the shocking amount of tit it exposed.

That night in ybor a lot of men trampled over alex and mark to get to me and angie. A lot of men just blatantly asked if my tits were real. In that dress they didn’t look real. The right dress can make or break a woman. That dress made me. I put it on for Alex. I was so sexually inexperienced. I lost my virginity to kenny who is now a sex slave to a powerful male magician at the Renaissance Festival. Tim was all I knew about sex. We did a lot of fucking in two years. We taught each other about sex. Our sex was intimate and when we were teenagers it was good. I hated tim’s dad and his uncle bill for mocking my sex noises. The burn on the whole family is the way sound does carry in that orange grove my sex sounds were after dinner entertainment. All of knight’s station probably heard me come a few times.

Nonetheless, I was scared to fuck someone after tim. Alex seemed like an obvious choice. It would’ve happened. But, then dan appeared in that pink towel. Sitting on his dick in front of alex was my way of revenge for being kept a hidden play toy. Sometimes, I like to stay hidden. I’ve made that choice and enjoyed it. Alex was different. He knew enough about me he should have tried to make it official. We even had a drama event when I was with Tim, when he was basically my official date. That night we didn’t break rules. I can’t lie I think we held hands. He knew I was a part of his teenage years on equal ground with jullynn. He signed my year book with the most poignant little message. ‘Thanks for all the shit we’ve been through together.’

I thought about that year book message sitting on Dan’s lap. All the hours and laughter we shared he could sum up as ‘all that shit.’ Revenge is sweet. Dan asked me to go into his room. It was great to have a roomful of ex-lovers and friends watch me accept an invitation for sex with a stranger. Especially, since he was cocky enough to stand in a pink towel with a raging hard on. Sure, I was nervous. But, I was curious. When we got to his room, he tried to teach me how to properly ash a cigarette. I was such a baby. I still suck at that skill.

The best part of dan is that he didn’t play games. He was simple. I love that shit. He told me I had the best set of tits he’s ever seen and he asked if he could touch them. He had on a towel. I had to take off the dress standing naked so he could see them. I remember the sensation of adhesive coming off my skin. As an artist I usually have some serious tapes and adhesives on hand. Then I had my first sexual experience without tim. Sex with dan was my only dorm fucking session. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

We went through sexual olympics. We went from bed, to floor, to shower, to bathroom floor. In that situation, I somehow managed to use a dorm toilet to brace myself for sex. I think the sound of the toilet lid hitting the wall officially made brent open his door and demand we tone done our free for all. I think we even fucked all over the living room. I still can’t believe I fucked on that dorm bathroom floor. I should have hepatitis to some degree. Dude, I was seriously in a state of extreme arousal to fuck in that bathroom without saying ‘stop, this is madness, you boys don’t own a mop or lysol.’

I can talk about it, and laugh because the sex really was worth fucking in that bathroom. I think me and brent discussed it. I think I managed to fuck in Brent’s shower when he didn’t. He is such a clean freak he couldn’t have done it on the bathroom floor. That’s why I love brent like a brother. I got to know him so well. He was also the bastard that never had a clean glass to drink from. I hung out with him so many nights trying to scrape mold out of a glass so I could get a sip of usf tap water.

This blog is getting long. I’m just getting started. I have so much more to say about what I learned that night with my combat pixie. I just wanted to provide insight into my only other real experience at a club. I’m not counting one sober night me and jen kerr went clubbing. I ended up getting fingerbanged in true slut fashion. In that instance, I totally took a justified jenn lecture about not letting men get down my pants in public, especially sober.

In conclusion, watching me on dan’s lap was the moment when alex decided to call me fat and raise his hand to punch me in the face. I told him ‘he wasn’t no fucking adonis.’ Then I dared him to hit me. Knowing me I also told him how I felt about his penis and the opportunities it could offer. I had two doors to pick from on The Price is Right. I took the raging hard dick in the pink towel over what alex had to offer. I guess that truly makes me a slut. Telling this story and knowing I loved alex more than most men I’ll ever meet, didn’t change the fact I didn’t like his dick. I wonder if other girls have these thoughts. I feel like a horrible person to go there.

But, actually saying to me ‘Lynn let me tell you what your problem is, You’re just a little too fat to get the men you want.’ He took it there. He manifested and said the thing I thought was my true hidden fear. It was a black out experience for me. It hurt so bad I just thought I would explode. In a way it was the truth. I thought it was reality. I’m proud. I raged instead of cried. He knew he was pulling a truly low blow after I got dumped by tim. The only thing he could of said worse was ‘tim left you because sherry is better than you.’ If he went there. That would’ve been my first baker act and my official ‘on the books’ suicide attempt. I could tell he wanted to go there. He also didn’t want to ruin his chance I’d forgive him for getting revenge on me for choosing what bob parker showed me peaking through a pink towel.

He thought we would fight and fuck. He broke my heart. But, I fought. I wish I had a stenographer give me a word for word exchange of what came out of my mouth and how he responded. I’d pay to read the rage I reached when someone said my biggest insecurity was ‘my problem.’ My friends who know the story can look at me, put a hand on there hip and mimick me saying in southern trailer speak ‘you aint no fucking adonis motherfucker’ when I get mad every sentence or phrase is highlighted by the word motherfucker. Me and my mom can’t have a conversation without the word motherfucker. We know a lot of real bonafide motherfuckers.

I know after I used greek mythology to burn him my memory goes blank about what came next. It stayed with me so deep. I can look at a man and think to myself ‘he’s alright. but he ain’t no fucking adonis.’ The phrase is a part of my personal lexicon. Just like when I went on repeat while mushrooming and told laura ‘I’m just better than you.’ Whatever I said to Alex took him to the hitting place. I take men there. I don’t try. It’s never my goal. I approached alex because we always had our sex life and his official sex life. I approached each encounter like this might be the point when I actually fuck alex.

That night was bad. It was officially a blessing I have no memory. I was also nice enough to people that it officially became one of those legends that didn’t get flaunted in front of me my whole life. It was the worst 24 hours I could have ever imagine. It was at ben’s house. I never dated dan. We were strictly fuck buddies. I daydreamed he would be a great boyfriend. But, he was an epic man whore. Leaving the dorms at day break after fucking Dan was the walk of shame and a victory dance. The last time I saw him. I had my panties stuffed in my bra. Which is something I would totally do. I don’t know why I wouldn’t put them on. But, I would stash them in my bra. He didn’t tell me goodbye. He grabbed my cleavage panties and put them on his head like a hat. It was fantastic. The bastard stole my panties and wore them like a hat through the dorm. I love those life moments when someone does something like that you never forget.

Everything happened fast. Christmas break. a lot of pot. more pot. okay even more pot. Yeah, I was sad because tim dumped me to fall in love with a great girl. But, those weeks were classic. I was in a state of high that was just magic blended with plant city legend. I hope jenn kerr reads this some time so I can remind her of the time we played croquet at the william’s house. We were babies in the world of pot. We got so blitzed we were the stoned girls you have to make fun of. I remember being stupid enough to lay down in a room full of fog and someone stepped on my head. I felt no pain. I just thought ‘damn, you got so high you laid down in fog. You put your head in the pathway for walking.’

We were cute and safe because the boys didn’t take advantage of us. They had fun telling us bender was there. We were good entertainment. We stood there and waited for bender (who was never there) to have his turn playing croquet. That night was special because it was the boys from ‘the little house’ and just me and jen kerr. So many of the parties, you got glimpses of those boys but they were focused on another girl or several girls. It wasn’t even tainted with mark. I can’t remember anyone but steven stein and chris williams. I swear it seems like bender was there. I’m sure I’m forgetting somebody.

I don’t remember if we were all single or people were in relationships. It was a matter of us living right down the road from each other and we were starting to party. For the record of this blog and all official documentation of the events that occurred let me make one thing clear. Jenn kerr didn’t care for pot. I think she only did it to try it. We had some everlasting giggle fest slumber parties. But, I think I coerced any experimentation she had with pot. I take total blame and I feel guilty for showing her that world of getting high. I’m just glad it wasn’t her thing. And I write this with faith that she could care less what people on facebook think about her for trying pot in college. Especially, when I openly take the blame.

I inherited an ounce of pot from my dead dad. I got a five dollar bill from his wallet. A truckload of porn magazines and I paid him for mementos from vietnam. I’m the bitch that forked over drug money to my dad to keep his vietnam heirlooms in his family. I have an amazing buddha statue that he made me pay for. All I really got was his pot and his pipe. A big wooden home made creation that hit good. Someone had to explain the carb on the end. I was so curious why there was a hole there. Pot took the pain away from death and tim. It opened new doors. jen’s parents found my dad’s pipe and through it away. They still treating me like family. I just wish I could’ve told him that pipe was all my father gave me.

That was the thing about chris and steven they knew we were too stoned to be sex objects. We had that respect. We earned that respect. That night we were a pair of giggles discovering how to be high. We were figuring out why the world was pulsating and everything made us feel warm and fuzzy. I spent a lot of time with chris as friends. Even if I could have fucked my dream guy that night, I wouldn’t risk that friendship. He reached a point when I knew my ten pounds would keep me from being girl number one but as lovers and friends I could’ve fucked my way to position number two. In a way, Alex was dead on when he said I was a little too fat for the boys I wanted. As a slut, I had a taste for everyone I desired. But, there was sometimes a girl in the spot above me.

Irony is that I’ll never know if I was too fat or whether my body was just right. I know jenn kerr was skinner than me and men gravitated to her every first encounter we shared. It was the total package of a thin smiling blonde that was skinny with big tits. I couldn’t compete with girls like her. We just worked because our tastes in guys was so different. I loved the plant city boys. She liked Aahmad and I misspelled his name. She fell in love. Plant City boys no longer had her as an option. I lost my partner in crime. I think of that perfect night of croquet and everyone cracking up at us. They played tricks with our little stoned minds. It was pure friendship. There was no sex. I really think they cared enough about us both not to take us into a sexual encounter that inebriated. I was probably to stoned to kiss.

I seem to remember ending up in a mass of bodies just embracing like friends. Not even a tit grab and we both had killer tits. However, there is always a twist to the story. That’s the truly great thing about being a slut. Eventually, I’ll take credit for having steven over. He is officially a notch on my whore belt. But, not on my bed post. For some reason I gave him head in my mom’s bed when she was working. I tried to logistically solve that mystery. Yep, we were watching dad’s porn on mom’s VCR while we played. Okay, How could I resist steven. I remember him as a dork playing with kittens. He got hot and entered my curiosity zone. After Tim, was a peak time to hit that zone. I think the only men I didn’t target were chris, brent and ben. Those friendships weren’t worth tainting with a blow job. As a whore, I’m proud of the decisions I made. Some men were put into the safe land of friendship and I didn’t mess up a good thing.

Steven was nearly raped. He walked in the wrong house on the wrong night. He had to leave somehow feeling satisfied yet manipulated and used. Bender wasn’t hot to me. We wrote letters back in forth during high school. He was also in that safe land of friendship. He also only chased girls like jenn kerr. But, he was good at a party. Alex didn’t know I just used steven for a sex toy after years of lust. He didn’t know chris was the only guy I wouldn’t chase but I really desired. That extra weight did make abby moon prettier than me. I had a moment with chris. We share it. It was better than dan’s pink towel and he got me to fuck against a toilet. Some secrets stay secrets forever. I always wandered if I had a chance if I hit the treadmill and devoted myself to an entirely unhealthy weight for my body

. A friend listened to one of my biggest secrets. She asked how I pulled it off? Everybody underestimates a girl that is just a little too fat for the men she wants. But, if I wanted someone in my bed, I took things to a level reserved for us chicks with a little bit of belly. If I wasn’t number one, I used a man like a good movie. Some movies I watched on repeat. I’ll never know what I said to make alex that close to swinging. No man ever came any closer. Not even my dad came that close to my face. My brother knew not to touch my face. It took all of alex’s self control not to hit me when he raised his fist and I started my tirade.

‘I dare you to do it, you motherfucking pussy, you don’t have the balls to hit me, try it, I beg you’ In that moment, we took ‘our shit’ as he called it to that place where I begged some man to hit me. It’s always very much a dare, a threat and a challenge when I taunt some motherfucker to swing. His reaction was genuine. It was not an intimidation move. He really just about beat me. I wonder if he’s hit his wife. I wonder if I’m the only girl to say those words to make him stop mid-swing before hitting a woman. I just wish I knew what button I pressed to reach that point so quickly. When I faced a beat down in the party wagon.

It was new years eve and I was numb from pot and a slew of notches, scratches and my third notch on the bed post. I had to face tim with the woman that won his heart. I guess you could say it was just like the night of our second break-up when I tried to drink till I died for some legendary facebook pics. I went to that party prepared to go beyond fucked up to the place of legends and history. Brent’s brother treated me like I had the clap because I made him come in his pants. That was funny. Brent kissed me as two single friends on new years eve. So officially, I did kiss them all. But, that kiss was purely friendship. Besides, I was having too much fun dissing his brother for premature ejaculation fully clothed. There is just a rule about having one brother so the other brother is off limits.

I ruined my reputation that night. I think I puked on a pool table. Please no one refresh my memory for how bad I fucked up that night. I need those memories gone forever. I remember confessing my undying love to several people while puking, or laying in puke. I mixed so many alcohols and I made the one error I will never make again. I can’t drink milky alcoholic beverages. I’m lactose intolerant. God was with me that night because I didn’t shit myself. At 31 if I mixed beer, hard liquor and milk I would totally shit. Like uncontrollably shit. It was a rough night. I don’t know what I did, but I didn’t shit. That is the bright light to this story. I’m looking at the glass as half full because my fall grace didn’t involve shit.

Instead I projectile puked on everyone I probably ever met. It was the coldest night of the year. I had on a long purple trench coat. I adore that coat. Tim told me one time that I broke his heart, because I looked beautiful in that coat. I was not a picture of beauty when I popped out of a black out state. I didn’t puke on myself so I didn’t look like the exorcist. To complicate waking up at four or five with no memory and the vague notion you just puked your way into the hall of fame, I tripped on a branch. I always fucking twist an ankle at the worst possible time. I’ve twisted so hard and deep, I know the degree I can twist it and still support weight.

I wanted escape. No keys. I went to the van to ask alex if anyone took my keys and to see if I could crash till daylight in the warmth. That was when he saw me weak. He took his cheap shot to get even for my price is right trip behind the pink curtain. I’ll never forget the adrenalin rush from that swing coming at me and stopping right before contact. I wonder if he remembers doing it. If he does remember it his memory is not one of guilt but shock that I would beg him, and challenge him to fight. I didn’t cower down when one of the ugliest guys I messed around judged my ability to get men. I showed him rage. I escalated the violence. I made him really want to hit me. I just don’t remember the words I used in my arsenal.

When I realized he was too much of a pussy to hit me or do anything besides call me a fat slut, I left the conflict. I sat in my car which was unlocked by the grace of God and I broke down. I even called my mom to come get me because I was having a break down. I couldn’t give her directions to find me. She just listened to me cry. Like only a mother can. Ian quinn was my rescue from that hell. I’m not friends with him. I conflict with his ego. That morning he was my world. He drove me home. Which was no great feat considering he drove while I puked out of an open car door. Someone was trying to be kind by taking my keys. Ben finally found them. He was kind enough not to berate me for puking up his house. He was just really concerned. I was a kid near death. I was a broken heart. If my memory is accurate I probably owed his family a new pool table.

But, he just hugged me and sent me home to my pot. Alex truly earned forgiveness from that night. He had to beg and plead for me to forgive him. He had to beg for me to treat him as someone I don’t consider an enemy. Nonetheless in spite, I think I blue balled him again, just to make a point. He could get so close and never get there. I bet he still wants to hit me and fuck me. I’m ending this post for real to right about my second night at the club. When it comes to the Price is Right, the pink towel was a superior decision.

Advice that changed my life

Excerpt from a letter and Advice I think every woman needs:
I don’t know if I’ve told you this story before. But, it’s advice I live by. It’s advice no one can take from me. It’s the most valuable lesson I ever learned. I was working the counter at a dry cleaner. Some man saw I was alone and he berated me, called me stupid, he made me hate my life and remember all the other men that ‘got off’ making me cry. God delivered me a messenger. A big wise strong black man watched what that man did to me. She looked at him like a turd.

She grabbed my hand and she told me she was going to tell me something that I would always remember. She told me she had faith that the message would get through. She even told me she felt like god had a purpose for bringing her in the position to share with me. She told me that men will always tear me down, they will use me, they will neglect me, they will call me names, they will hurt me a thousand ways. She looked into my soul and said ‘don’t ever let those motherfuckers see you cry.’ I stopped sniffling. I realized that she was so true. Men can work me, beat me, and use me….but they will never see me cry. My tears belong to me. I cry in bathrooms. I cry in my car. I cry when they leave the store. But, that advice from someone I wish was my real great aunt, shaped me. After that any customer or boss that tried to make me cry got a piece of my wit, defiance and a smile.

My last depressed post before my script got refilled

The day before you get your adderall is the worst. Something about that day is the hardest of all. By this point you have so much tranquilizer in your system you’ve just tolerated being in slow motion. you’ve just slept. I really do spend two weeks minus a few sex/pill binges sleeping. Now, I’m going to spend two weeks awake and focused. In this state, I can’t write. How well do you write after a double dose of Nyquil? I’m just proud I try. In the end, these rambles when I’m half dead from sedation won’t mean shit. You really do have to turn my mind back on once you turn it off. It’s no bullshit. People will always have the notion I abuse pills. I can explain till I’m blue in the face. People will skip that notion of my logic ‘replace their correct logic’ and deal with me as they please. I could not sit and weave a story I have to post in three long blogs without adderall. This story is produced entirely by chemicals that turn my brain on. Without those chemicals, I really don’t have the motivation to stop sleeping. Even now, we have HBO for some reason and I have a full season of true blood to watch. I decided to spend my last night before mania with mcdonalds and a true blood marathon. All I want is to be fully tranquilized and feel release from this state of twilight half sleep. I do make a full mental note and prayer for anyone in the publix parking lot I battle in a narcoleptic state trying to get my script refilled.